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Defining your relationship is an important part of any progressing, adult relationship. It is especially important when you are in a new relationship and feel totally uncertain about where your partnership is heading. Although dating without labels and khun tiffany dating certainly works for a time, and might work well for some couples, many people if not most are better able to understand and work within a relationship that has some framework or structure in place. This is especially true if you are have been involved for a few months of dating and spend more time together. Knowing that you consider one another is often important in making sure you are both satisfied and content in your relationship.

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White girl dating asian

C: I would always, like, leverage my Asian-ness in my defense. I'd be like, you realize that I'm Asian, right? And, like, teachers would never think I'd do anything wrong. But on the inside, the poison was eating him away - even making him hurt his body to try to look more white. C: I have problems breathing through my nose.

And I don't know if it's because I inherited this or it was because - for a time throughout high school I, used to take one of those paperclips, like the black ones SHAW: C is no longer a white supremacist. He developed a crush on an Asian girl for the first time and, eventually, came across enough examples of hot Asian male celebrities which proved to him that, in fact, not all Asians suck.

And therefore, he didn't have to suck. He had an antidote to the poison. But purging yourself isn't always easy, as L came to understand one night in late , when she discovered the poison inside herself. She was lying in bed, swiping with her index finger on Tinder. L: So what I thought I was just doing was paying attention to the guys, like, I found attractive. But with just one thing, I started to realize - as I was swiping past faces - was that it was, like, almost this instantaneous thing where I would see, like, a black face or, like, someone who looked like Latinx and I would, like, almost instinctually start to swipe.

I was unconsciously, like, rejecting people because of, literally, like, the color of their skin. I was literally giving white faces a chance that I was not giving black and Latinx faces. L: Like, holy shit, like, I just realized I'm doing this.

And they were like, I feel like I do the same thing. L: That was just kind of like this point where we had this realization, like whoa, none of us have had sex with, like, a person of color. Isn't that weird? SHAW: Even Asian guys who L always thought she'd been attracted to, but for some reason didn't swipe right that much on and never ended up dating.

L: It was never going to that next step. Like, I was never hooking up with them. I was, like, weirdly stuck in this comfort zone of these, like, white guys - whether it was because, you know, they approached me, whether it was because they were the people I was around, that was just what I had gotten used to.

SHAW: It was the first time she recognized that she was unknowingly passing over men of color for white guys. L: Yeah, I felt really bad about myself. I just felt - I felt like I had really viewed myself as someone who cared about treating people equally and just doing my best to fight against, I guess, like, racism - because, you know, I was like, I'm a woman of color.

Like, I care deeply about this. And so I think this had a realization that I had definitely internalized a lot of this racism. And it shook me - made me feel bad. She could have tackled the real problem - you know, overhaul the entire system of white supremacy and patriarchy - or she could have said, I'm just a cog in the machine who's also being oppressed.

But that's not what rom-com heroines do, especially not overzealous-planner types. So L fixated on the one tiny thing she could control - her own dating patterns - not to make the trolls happy but to get right with herself. SHAW: And one night, after an inadvisable amount of wine and manic group texting, the same group of friends who were going through a similar awakening speculated with L about who would be the first person to change.

L: Like, OK. But who do we think is going to be the first person to, like, hook up with a person of color? And so we kind of all universally, like, agreed on an order. And they put me as last laughter. And I felt so, like, defensive about it. I was like, why? And they were like, well, you go to a super-white school.

And I'm like, yeah, but our one friend hasn't even had sex yet. SHAW: I know this sounds incredibly icky. Every time I tell the story, this is the moment people audibly groan. But L says her friends were mostly joking - egging her on in the offensive way that friends do sometimes - whereas L was dead serious about the larger mission at hand.

She was going to sleep her way out of her prejudice. SHAW: In your typical rom-com, when the charmingly flawed main character comes face to face with an ugly realization about herself, she often comes up with a ludicrous Bridget Jones-esque self-improvement program - some systematic way to overcome the problem she's uncovered. But how do you systematically overcome a system? It was a challenge. But if there was one thing that L, the overzealous planner, knew how to do, it was design a way to accomplish a personal goal.

And so after graduating from college in , L devised an entire personal detox program to get rid of the white poison - a personal detox program complete with guidelines. SHAW: Step one - bombard your brain with images of hot men of color - lots of images of hot men of color. In L's case, her particular medicine was Morris Chestnut, who, in the Fox TV show "Rosewood," plays a forensic pathologist who jets around shirtless in Miami and somehow manages to make even a fedora look good.

Beaumont Rosewood Considered by some to be the Beethoven of private pathologists. SHAW: Step two - prosecute your attraction to white boys. Be suspicious. Ask the hard questions. For example, is that guy you like from gender studies class actually hot or does he just have cool glasses and regularly take showers? L: I remember thinking like, but why do you like him so much? He's - honestly, like - it's just, like, he's so basic.

If I was walking down the street and I saw him, I would not pinpoint him as like, you are a credit to your species. SHAW: So when the white guy pops up in your Tinder feed who's photoshopped his naked torso to a horse galloping in a snowy field SHAW: And when you see a brown dude who's holding a desk lamp in his profile pic and says he's too tall to comfortably hug? L: Then I would stop and like, look at you.

Just really give a hard look - the whole picture. I'm only here for your bearded, brown daddy Tinder needs. SHAW: Step four - do not disclose about the experiment - at least on the first date or several first dates. L: The reason I'm doing this - right? And I don't want to make you feel like an experiment. I think that would be horrible. For someone trying to fully humanize men of color, L had chosen a very puzzling method.

It's easy to make the argument that the program was actually so highly dehumanizing it kind of makes your stomach hurt. In fact, when you add up the competition - the program, the experiment and all the objectification and questionable behavior - the whole thing was starting to feel like every rom-com trope rolled into one film, except the most offensive possible version of that movie. SHAW: So yes, it was all that.

But also, L thought the program was teaching her to see in an entirely new way SHAW: Like, once your attractions have been programmed by your cultural bubble, not just with race but things like body size and hair color, can you change them? Even if L was now noticing all the hot non-white men in the world, would that translate into feeling obsexxed with them?

SHAW: I started calling around to sex researchers. But before I tell you what I found out, one quick note. Basically, all the researchers I spoke to told me there's a huge difference between something like sexual orientation and racial preference. Sexual orientation is much more biologically based, whereas race is, essentially, a category we created that reinforces a social hierarchy.

It's not written into your genes, even if sometimes you feel a racial preference strongly. I mean, because you know what you're attracted to. And you can just try to say, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not, and you still are. I went searching for studies that look at whether we can consciously change our racial preferences.

And I'm sad to say, though there is a ton of interesting work, I could not find a single study that directly speaks to this question. But Jim has done many studies, mostly with rats, trying to understand how sexual preferences on the level of skin color or dimples could work. And he has a theory about why they might be hard to change. It has to do with the realization he had one day while biking home from the lab. They were working on a study. And a group of perfectly healthy male rats was unexpectedly refusing to have sex with female rats when all placed together in an open-field chamber.

The rats had only ever had sex before with a jacket on - a tiny, Velcro vest with a leash to keep them from crawling all over each other. I almost got hit by a car. And I bike back as quick as I can. We put the jackets on them, and they all copulated, regardless of the chamber. SHAW: The male rats that had their first ejaculations with the jacket on needed the jacket later to, you know, do the thing. But when Jim put the jacket on rats that were sexually experienced no matter what situation he created, there was no way he could make jackets critical for arousal.

PFAUS: If they've had sex before, even once to one ejaculation, it's very difficult to now make the association. We can't go back 60, years and find a jacket. So the brain is - for sex, is clearly being dominated by learning. What you learn during these early experiences changes the brain, and you are forever changed. SHAW: Jim knows there's only so much you can generalize from rats to people. As you might imagine, it's not exactly ethical to do these kinds of studies with sexually naive humans.

But when it comes to sex, Jim says our brains apparently work in some important similar ways. And just like with the rats in the jacket, Jim thinks your early sexual experiences with pleasure are critical in determining which preferences get set in the first place. SHAW: Whenever you have your first sexual experience with pleasure, whether it's at age 14 or 40, your brain is activating two key chemicals - dopamine and oxytocin, affectionately known as the love chemicals. Together, they increase pleasure and desire, arousal and bonding.

And once you experience their effects, you'll never forget the type of person that made it all happen. Oh, my God, look at that - the way her nose flares. Now you become consciously aware because you're concentrating so much on what this person looks like and talks like and sounds like and smells like and feels like, et cetera.

SHAW: Your brain will now associate that chin dimple or nose flare with pleasure. And you will now pay more attention to those traits in the future. But let's say, the pleasure of having one or 10 orgasms SHAW: And if you repeat the pleasure with that person or set of characteristics over and over again And again, you're building the foundation of your attraction pattern.

It was downright depressing. What if you didn't like the way your first experiences with pleasure had programmed you, the way the culture, your family or environment had pointed you towards certain fantasies, certain body types, certain races? Initially, it felt like bad news for L's experiment - bad news for possibly a lot of us out there.

But then, Jim threw in a little good news. He says you can't subtract what's already been laid down, but you can probably add new preferences by exposing yourself to new kinds of people - just like L. So the very things that you find attractive can actually shift over time with new experiences.

L: I find it an interesting choice that he has his hood up under a, like, tweed coat - or not tweed, but, like, a peacoat. So will L be able to slap her desire into submission and discover new attractions? And should she even try? It was here that L met a man on Bumble. And she met an American guy who worked in tech, and he seemed to tick all her boxes. L: He was, like, funny. He was sweet, really respectful towards his - like, his mother. Isn't this a great smile? L: We were, like, walking by the sand.

It was night. Everything was lit up. It was just about to turn 11 p. And we were in viewing distance of the Eiffel Tower. So I said, oh, let's stop right now because something's going to happen in a few minutes. And so then, you know, the clock strikes 11, and the Eiffel Tower, like, glitters.

L: Like, nothing at all. It was the least sexual kiss I've ever had in my whole life. But I was kind of drunk. And I was like, let me try again. So we, like, probably made out like three times that night, but each full of nothingness. SHAW: There was the guy she met outside the bar one night who she was really excited about. When they got together, she even made her mom's pork and eggplant dish with jalapenos to impress him. But the sex ended up being pretty meh, thanks in part to a mistake L made.

L: After our encounter, he was just, like, oh, I felt that, by the way. I was like what? And he was like, the pepper on your hand laughter. SHAW: Dating started to feel like working on a factory line, picking up and putting down interchangeable man widgets, each new face, a series of questions and racial checkboxes. SHAW: It's been two years since the experiment began.

While there have been long stretches of no dating, L told me her overall stats - five first dates with black guys, one with a half-Asian, half-white dude, only made it to three second dates. L: I feel like I have potentially - maybe overcorrected in a very specific type now. Like, it's not, like, an even mix of the races. It's, like, pretty specific. L: It does raise that flag for me because I think that's something that's like - that also acutely affects, like, black men.

And I don't want to be perpetuating that either. SHAW: The great irony being that in trying to decolonize her desire and open herself up to men of color, L ended up jumping into another stream of systemic racism with a long, ugly history - going from unconsciously discriminating against black men in dating to unconsciously targeting them. Escape one racial preference, you feel like you might be falling into this new racial preference L is more or less aware of the absurdity of her quest.

But instead of giving it up, she's now trying to course correct. She recently added a filter to her dating app so she'd only see the profiles of Asian men because it just feels politically safer for now. But even throwing the distressing fetishization of black men aside for a moment L: I really don't know. I feel like I feel the initial stages of desire now for people that maybe I otherwise wouldn't have.

But ultimately, like, when I'm talking about all these experiences, none of them have been, like, this is mind-blowing sex. Like, this is, like, physical attraction. Like, wow, I can't stop thinking about wanting to, like, sleep with this person. Like, I'm not there.

When I tell people about it, I always get the same disgusted, judgmental reaction because, yes, it is offensive. I know that to a lot of people, the whole idea of taking on racism through dating and using men of color for your I-don't-want-to-be-a-racist project is a complete non-starter if not radically wrong.

But I still think it's kind of brave - brave to take on your prejudices so explicitly in the most intimate parts of yourself, especially when there's no road map to help you do it. At the very least, it's definitely not lazy. She's setting sail to a place I'm not sure many people have gone. But the question remains, should they even go there?

Should we be hacking our desire into the exact shape of our values? I'm no expert, but I found someone who is. And it turns out, L accidentally stumbled into some good practices, like exposing herself to new kinds of media and people and inserting a pause to interrogate your attractions and implicit bias, and also some less good ones. SHAW: This is Russell Robinson, a professor at Berkeley Law School who, for the past 10 years, has been teaching students about the ways in which social structures influence our romantic choices.

He's a really good person to make sense of all this because he's had to deal with racial preferences himself, a discovery he made when he first came out as a gay man and was living in LA, going out to bars. I'm ready. And my community is waiting for me laughter , you know? And so I get all dressed up. And I go there. And, you know, I would see attractive black men. And I would try to catch their eye and try to smile.

And I noticed that they would sort of look the other way and sometimes even have a look of disgust on their face. What's going on? And so after a while, I realized, like, oh. They're not here looking for other black men the way that I am. They're looking for white men, and they see me as a threat. He does not think L's experiment should be the model. But he does think we should all absolutely be rethinking our racial preferences or fetishes if we have them because these preferences in aggregate have real consequences and are limiting the happiness and romantic options of other people.

And the idea that certain categories of people like black women are less likely to find that partner simply because they're black women is very disturbing. I have four nieces, so I'm deeply invested in them being happy and being adored.

They're all wonderful. I can't tell the student who they should date. I don't believe in any sort of firm rules, like everybody must be open to every race or everybody must stay within their race. So it's not really about trying to establish categorical rules. It's more about self-insight and self-understanding.

SHAW: His position is, basically, we live in a structurally racist world, so the solution isn't to shame individuals for their romantic choices. And, really, who can say why any couple gets together? And so there's a huge danger in reading the race of anyone's partner as a proxy for their racial politics. Instead, just ask yourself, are you being the person you want to be in your sexual life? Like, just take a look at your romantic trajectory. What are the patterns?

And try to understand what might be shaping them. ROBINSON: Might you rethink that, might you expose yourself to different types of people and try to shed the bias that has created those preferences, if that's the reason behind the preferences. SHAW: Russell doesn't even think having a racial preference is necessarily wrong. You might have very good reasons for having one, as long as it's not based in racial stereotype, including stereotypes about white people. He told me this story about a student that, I think, perfectly sums up his philosophy.

One day in class, a Latina student told Russell she can never date a white man because a white man could never see her as fully human, which Russell could totally empathize with. But still And I said, like, wait. You're saying it's impossible. Like, there's not one white man in this world that could see you as human. And she insisted that that's not possible. And so I told that to my dear friend, who is herself Latina. And she said, you just know the universe is going to send her an amazing white man, laughter you know?

So I like that idea that, like, you know, establishing these rules and thinking that, you know, you figured it out, it's like then life happens. Life happened. A few months after our interview, L told me she had some news. L: I mean, I went on this one date. And very shockingly, I thought it went, like, super well. Well, basically, we've been - you know, we've been, like, dating for two months. SHAW: Outside the coffee shop, she found herself stealing glances at him, being hyper-aware of his bicep, grazing her arm in the theater on their second date.

The chemistry is, in L's words, off the charts. She's definitely obsexxed. SHAW: And it's not just the physical spark. She loves how he remembers which plays she wants to go see, that he speaks Mandarin Chinese better than she does and just understands when she accidentally says speaking Mandarin for knife. SHAW: You could say this isn't really a win. I mean, L had been attracted to Asian guys in the first place.

But L just feels lucky to have found someone she clicks with, someone she might not have met if it weren't for her program. L: I just feel like maybe with just, like, the numbers game, I don't - maybe he wouldn't have appeared on my roster. Just maybe, like, I would have matched a lot of these other white boys, and maybe I would have talked to them first. L: My great fear, perhaps, in telling him is that he would think that, oh, like, you're not actually attracted to me. You're only doing this because of an experiment.

Like, nothing could be farther from the truth. She told him. There was no dramatic running involved, no airport scene, no getting soaked in the rain. There wasn't even any fighting. It was like the anti-rom-com ending. When girl told boy about experiment, boy did not get mad. He didn't even seem miffed. Boy was patient and understanding. And then boy asked, but it's not like having a preference makes you a racist, right?

Of course, you were supposed to try and empathize. The genocide would not have happened. Empathy was kind of seen as the hope against all of these kind of things. So when researchers ask questions like We believe in it. So are we right? Next week, we'll let you decide. You'll hear the story of a guy named Jack, who at first, says terrible things about women Our show is edited by Anne Gudenkauf. Cara Tallo is our executive producer. Parker and Liza Yeager. Our project manager is Liana Simstrom.

Our vice president of programming is on Anya Grundmann. Special thanks to Harry Shum Jr. And to Chris J. Lee ph and Kenny Lu ph and the many, many people who shared their experiences and thoughts with us, thank you. We are obsexxed with it. For more information about this music and to see original artwork by Christina Chung And really, we didn't fit everything we learned into this episode. So if you want to go with us down a deeper dive into the history of Asian-American sexuality, things like the model minority stereotype or how racial preferences work not just for straight people, you can check out a bunch of resources that Yowei found during her reporting - npr.

It's inherent - obviously false. We are obsessed with it. We're obsexxed with it. Which are we? All rights reserved. Visit our website terms of use and permissions pages at www. NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. Accessibility links Skip to main content Keyboard shortcuts for audio player.

NPR Shop. The realization sets her off on a quest to change her attractions. But is this even possible? And should we be hacking our desire to match our values? Asian World Press Ltd. Publication date. November 1, See all details. Next page. Kindle Cloud Reader Read instantly in your browser.

Customers who viewed this item also viewed. Page 1 of 1 Start over Page 1 of 1. Richard Jacob. Satan Burger 15th Anniversary Edition. Carlton Mellick III. Dale Power. Kathleen Meyer. Special offers and product promotions Amazon Business: Make the most of your Amazon Business account with exclusive tools and savings. Register a free business account. Lots of fun to read. Great tips on how to approach Asian men. From the Author White is a cultural word. There is no race nor is there a country called white.

The choice of the word in the title emphasizes the cultural aspect. Quan is an International Business Consultant. He has travelled and worked in many countries. For more than fifteen years, he has successfully dated women of many nationalities. He has provided here, his observations in dating White women and his thoughts on the subject of a romantic relation of an Asian man with a White woman.

Read more. Tell the Publisher! I'd like to read this book on Kindle Don't have a Kindle? Customer reviews. How are ratings calculated? Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon. It also analyzes reviews to verify trustworthiness. Top reviews Most recent Top reviews. Top reviews from the United States. There was a problem filtering reviews right now.

Please try again later. Verified Purchase. This is a great novelty or gag gift, not to be taken all too seriously in my opinion. The title alone is humorous, and this is the book featured on The Steve Harvey show in , where Steve Harvey mocked Asian Men and became the well deserved target of critics proclaiming his prejudiced and racist humor at the expense of another minority. Buy it because you want to be entertained, not because you are a white woman curious about Asian Men or an Asian Man looking for a White Woman.

As an Asian man dating a white woman, I find this book to be inaccurate in many ways. But it was interesting to read and definitely a funny conversation starter to have on hand. I am now engaged to the same white woman so maybe I should write a book and charge thirty bucks for it. The book gives you a lot of tips on dating Anglo women. The author is friendly in what he says, but don't expect that once you finish this book that a Beautiful Anglo woman who looks like Brooke Shields, or Marina Anna Eich is going to ask you out at the workplace once you apply this information.

It is basic stuff that he talks about such as lifting weights, eating well in front of them when taking them out to eat, as well as one bathing and using the cologne. It is easier and more approachable for an Anglo man to date an Asian woman from Vietnam or China as compared to an Anglo woman dating or marrying an Asian man from Japan or Thailand. It's millions and millions of years of evolution that the Anglo woman has inside of her-ingrained into her DNA system of why for the most part they will only date and marry Anglo Saxon men.

Many men of different races want to date attractive Anglo women from America, Canada, Germany, or Australia, but for the majority of the time, Anglo women from these countries and from the Anglo Saxon race don't want to date nor see themselves dating outside their race.

It is the truth even though Anglo ladies will say some type of Politically correct answer in order for them to be off the hook. This book by author Quan will give you a light blueprint of how the Anglo woman works. The author is innocent in how he writes his dating information and you will learn something new even though it is As compared to a man of Asian descent finding a date or even marriage with an Anglo-German woman or an Australian woman from Brisbane.

Anglo women are racist even though they will deny it in front of you. They know how to work the English language in manipulating this word and that word and the situation and when it comes to dating-they surely will take the bunny out of the hat and beat you to the punch in not giving you that second date because of your race. This is due to the millions and trillions of years of evolution that the Anglo woman has inside her DNA System.

SPEED DATING LANSING MI

And it seemed like the real beef he had was about her dating white guys instead of Asian guys, that he was part of a dark corner of the Internet made up of angry Asian men who blame and harass Asian women for dating anyone outside their race, in particular white guys, a special variety of the manosphere now called men's rights Asians.

Some of it can get so scary it takes your breath away. There are entire forums bubbling with viscerally hateful misogyny that peddle conspiracy theories about self-hating Asian women trying to bring down Asian men by not sleeping with them. Oh, that's right. I don't. L: You're, like, disgusting and dirty. The only people who want to you are, like, dirty, perverted white men.

Her personal troll multiplied into other trolls, dozens of disturbing messages, photos, tags, memes, even a thinly veiled death threat. L: Oh, yeah. You know, it seemed like this was, like, a very, like - just a misogynistic thing that's like - to yell at women for who they're choosing to date, who they're choosing to sleep with. SHAW: Besides, L thought she was just following that hard-won physical spark because that's what people do in the 21st century in America.

They sleep with people they're naturally attracted to. Sexual attraction just happened to you, an inexplicable, biological force that shouldn't be questioned and definitely not shamed Or at least, that's the story in our culture - a romantic story that, I think, prevents us from looking at all the crud that lies beneath.

C: So my sister had a no-dating-Asians policy. I'm sure you've probably heard of that, and other people have held this as well. We're going to get back to L. But I'm going to tell you about C now because even though he's not a men's rights Asian, he has a story that helps me understand the roots of that toxic anger - a story that just really challenges this romantic way of thinking about attraction. It starts when C was 12 on a morning when he was standing outside the bathroom in his house, waiting for his mom and older sister to finish blow-drying their hair.

And that's when he heard something that shocked him. C: That's when, I think, I overheard my sister saying, the guy that, like, I'm interested in is - you know, he's a white guy. You know, I would never date an Asian guy. They're just, like, unattractive.

Ew ph , I just don't prefer them. They're just - it's just my preference. C: If my own race looks at Asian guys as being, you know, undesirable a gross or unattractive, then what do white girls think of me? SHAW: It hurts me to hear this. But honestly, in reporting this story, I heard plenty of horror stories from Asian guys about getting rejected because of their race, rejected by both Asian and white women.

So I wanted to know - how often are Asian men getting this kind of treatment? I looked into it. And first off, it's important to know that Asians, like all other races, end up with their own race most at the time. But there is some data to show something is going on. For example, in terms of marriage in , there were more than twice as many white-male-Asian-female newlyweds than the other way around.

But it's not necessarily the behavior of Asian men and women that creates such an imbalance. It might be how people from other races respond to them. I went back to an online dating study of the 20 largest cities in the U. And it showed that in general, when Asians reach out, white men do respond to Asian women, while white women don't respond to Asian men.

And when white men reach out to Asian women, like all women of color in the study, Asian women tend to respond to white men over men of their own race. So yes, there are these patterns. But if you ask why any two people get together, it's just so complicated. Who you end up with is a function of so many factors. Maybe it's about acquiring status in a world where whiteness is the norm. Maybe it's pure proximity, who's in your social circles, who reciprocates or the fact that the U.

And this is such an emotionally charged subject in the Asian-American community that just trying to report this story has already gotten me called out. Last summer, I posted on Reddit looking for Asian women who were thinking about why they only dated white men - what I thought was a legitimate reporter's question. But almost immediately, it exploded in my face. There was a Twitter campaign to shut the story down.

A lot of Asian women and men were angry because they said I was giving fuel to the toxic narrative that men's rights Asians use to harass women. And then because it's the Internet, there was a campaign to shut down the shutdown from Asian men who wanted these questions explored. And they were really rooting for me, which is both troubling and a bit funny because I, too, am one of those statistics. I'm an Asian woman with a white guy, someone I might marry.

While I've dated men of other races, including Asian guys, white men make up most of the inventory - not on purpose or anything. And for the past year, I've been wondering, is my attraction, my inner feeling about who I want to be with really mine? Does it come from inside? Me or somewhere else? It comes to us with help from Asian-American studies professor Susan Koshy and is read, to make it go down more easily, by the Asian-American actor and heartthrob from "Glee," Harry Shum Jr.

In , the page law effectively banned single Chinese women from entering the U. In , the War Brides Act allowed U. And thanks to anti-miscegenation laws in many states, it was illegal to have relationships outside their race, either. Men lived together because they weren't able to have families. SHUM JR: Reading And though the first generation of Asian migrants were mostly manly manual laborers who were villainized in newspapers as sexual predators, later generations were forced take on so-called women's work - washing clothes and laundries, cooks, house boys, domestic servants.

Laws helped create the conditions for Asian-American men to be seen as emasculated. And then those conditions came to define who they were, became the attributes associated with them, especially East Asian men. Then, of course, this sexualized stereotype was sampled and remixed by a white hegemonic popular culture over the years. Or "Romeo Must Die," the martial arts take on Romeo and Juliet where the one kissing scene between Jet Li and Aaliyah reportedly got cut because it didn't test well with audiences?

And really, I could have written a version of this history for any racial group in America. But just from my reporting on Asians, I can tell you that the consequences of these stereotypes are very real and damaging, like with C, the guy with the older sister you heard from earlier.

C says he can't count the number of times he's heard someone say they wouldn't date an Asian guy. And when he would try talking to white girls he was crushing on? C: Disdain is the word that I've come to use to describe this over time. They just viewed me with disdain. They were like, why are you even talking to me?

Like, is this a joke? This Asian guy is, like, sexually interested, or has, like, romantic thoughts or anything laughter like that? He told me that for a while he began to identify himself as a white supremacist - an Asian white supremacist. I know. It didn't make much sense to me either at first. Basically, to make the painful stereotypes more palatable, he swallowed an entire vial of white poison himself.

He says his teenage brain needed a scientific explanation for why Asian guys were seen as inferior. So when he came across some white supremacy literature on the Internet claiming that the reason Asian dudes were unattractive was because they had less testosterone, he felt like he now had an explanation for his experience. And it became his entire identity - being the one Asian who knew how much all other Asians sucked, like the Chinese girl in gym class he liked to make fun of and tell people that she smelled.

C: I know that sounds insane, but I literally would sit in our class and just speak aloud. And everyone could hear me in the class. And I would talk about the racial hierarchy. SHAW: Wow. Did you ever get - did anyone ever try to fight you or beat you up or, like, punch you?

C: I would always, like, leverage my Asian-ness in my defense. I'd be like, you realize that I'm Asian, right? And, like, teachers would never think I'd do anything wrong. But on the inside, the poison was eating him away - even making him hurt his body to try to look more white.

C: I have problems breathing through my nose. And I don't know if it's because I inherited this or it was because - for a time throughout high school I, used to take one of those paperclips, like the black ones SHAW: C is no longer a white supremacist. He developed a crush on an Asian girl for the first time and, eventually, came across enough examples of hot Asian male celebrities which proved to him that, in fact, not all Asians suck.

And therefore, he didn't have to suck. He had an antidote to the poison. But purging yourself isn't always easy, as L came to understand one night in late , when she discovered the poison inside herself. She was lying in bed, swiping with her index finger on Tinder.

L: So what I thought I was just doing was paying attention to the guys, like, I found attractive. But with just one thing, I started to realize - as I was swiping past faces - was that it was, like, almost this instantaneous thing where I would see, like, a black face or, like, someone who looked like Latinx and I would, like, almost instinctually start to swipe. I was unconsciously, like, rejecting people because of, literally, like, the color of their skin.

I was literally giving white faces a chance that I was not giving black and Latinx faces. L: Like, holy shit, like, I just realized I'm doing this. And they were like, I feel like I do the same thing. L: That was just kind of like this point where we had this realization, like whoa, none of us have had sex with, like, a person of color. Isn't that weird? SHAW: Even Asian guys who L always thought she'd been attracted to, but for some reason didn't swipe right that much on and never ended up dating.

L: It was never going to that next step. Like, I was never hooking up with them. I was, like, weirdly stuck in this comfort zone of these, like, white guys - whether it was because, you know, they approached me, whether it was because they were the people I was around, that was just what I had gotten used to. SHAW: It was the first time she recognized that she was unknowingly passing over men of color for white guys. L: Yeah, I felt really bad about myself.

I just felt - I felt like I had really viewed myself as someone who cared about treating people equally and just doing my best to fight against, I guess, like, racism - because, you know, I was like, I'm a woman of color. Like, I care deeply about this.

And so I think this had a realization that I had definitely internalized a lot of this racism. And it shook me - made me feel bad. She could have tackled the real problem - you know, overhaul the entire system of white supremacy and patriarchy - or she could have said, I'm just a cog in the machine who's also being oppressed. But that's not what rom-com heroines do, especially not overzealous-planner types.

So L fixated on the one tiny thing she could control - her own dating patterns - not to make the trolls happy but to get right with herself. SHAW: And one night, after an inadvisable amount of wine and manic group texting, the same group of friends who were going through a similar awakening speculated with L about who would be the first person to change.

L: Like, OK. But who do we think is going to be the first person to, like, hook up with a person of color? And so we kind of all universally, like, agreed on an order. And they put me as last laughter. And I felt so, like, defensive about it. I was like, why? And they were like, well, you go to a super-white school. And I'm like, yeah, but our one friend hasn't even had sex yet.

SHAW: I know this sounds incredibly icky. Every time I tell the story, this is the moment people audibly groan. But L says her friends were mostly joking - egging her on in the offensive way that friends do sometimes - whereas L was dead serious about the larger mission at hand. She was going to sleep her way out of her prejudice. SHAW: In your typical rom-com, when the charmingly flawed main character comes face to face with an ugly realization about herself, she often comes up with a ludicrous Bridget Jones-esque self-improvement program - some systematic way to overcome the problem she's uncovered.

But how do you systematically overcome a system? It was a challenge. But if there was one thing that L, the overzealous planner, knew how to do, it was design a way to accomplish a personal goal. And so after graduating from college in , L devised an entire personal detox program to get rid of the white poison - a personal detox program complete with guidelines. SHAW: Step one - bombard your brain with images of hot men of color - lots of images of hot men of color.

In L's case, her particular medicine was Morris Chestnut, who, in the Fox TV show "Rosewood," plays a forensic pathologist who jets around shirtless in Miami and somehow manages to make even a fedora look good. Beaumont Rosewood Considered by some to be the Beethoven of private pathologists.

SHAW: Step two - prosecute your attraction to white boys. Be suspicious. Ask the hard questions. For example, is that guy you like from gender studies class actually hot or does he just have cool glasses and regularly take showers? L: I remember thinking like, but why do you like him so much? He's - honestly, like - it's just, like, he's so basic. If I was walking down the street and I saw him, I would not pinpoint him as like, you are a credit to your species.

SHAW: So when the white guy pops up in your Tinder feed who's photoshopped his naked torso to a horse galloping in a snowy field SHAW: And when you see a brown dude who's holding a desk lamp in his profile pic and says he's too tall to comfortably hug?

L: Then I would stop and like, look at you. Just really give a hard look - the whole picture. I'm only here for your bearded, brown daddy Tinder needs. SHAW: Step four - do not disclose about the experiment - at least on the first date or several first dates. L: The reason I'm doing this - right? And I don't want to make you feel like an experiment.

I think that would be horrible. For someone trying to fully humanize men of color, L had chosen a very puzzling method. It's easy to make the argument that the program was actually so highly dehumanizing it kind of makes your stomach hurt.

In fact, when you add up the competition - the program, the experiment and all the objectification and questionable behavior - the whole thing was starting to feel like every rom-com trope rolled into one film, except the most offensive possible version of that movie. SHAW: So yes, it was all that. But also, L thought the program was teaching her to see in an entirely new way SHAW: Like, once your attractions have been programmed by your cultural bubble, not just with race but things like body size and hair color, can you change them?

Even if L was now noticing all the hot non-white men in the world, would that translate into feeling obsexxed with them? SHAW: I started calling around to sex researchers. But before I tell you what I found out, one quick note. Basically, all the researchers I spoke to told me there's a huge difference between something like sexual orientation and racial preference. Sexual orientation is much more biologically based, whereas race is, essentially, a category we created that reinforces a social hierarchy.

It's not written into your genes, even if sometimes you feel a racial preference strongly. I mean, because you know what you're attracted to. And you can just try to say, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not, and you still are. I went searching for studies that look at whether we can consciously change our racial preferences. And I'm sad to say, though there is a ton of interesting work, I could not find a single study that directly speaks to this question.

But Jim has done many studies, mostly with rats, trying to understand how sexual preferences on the level of skin color or dimples could work. And he has a theory about why they might be hard to change. It has to do with the realization he had one day while biking home from the lab. They were working on a study. And a group of perfectly healthy male rats was unexpectedly refusing to have sex with female rats when all placed together in an open-field chamber.

The rats had only ever had sex before with a jacket on - a tiny, Velcro vest with a leash to keep them from crawling all over each other. I almost got hit by a car. And I bike back as quick as I can. We put the jackets on them, and they all copulated, regardless of the chamber. SHAW: The male rats that had their first ejaculations with the jacket on needed the jacket later to, you know, do the thing.

But when Jim put the jacket on rats that were sexually experienced no matter what situation he created, there was no way he could make jackets critical for arousal. PFAUS: If they've had sex before, even once to one ejaculation, it's very difficult to now make the association. We can't go back 60, years and find a jacket. So the brain is - for sex, is clearly being dominated by learning.

What you learn during these early experiences changes the brain, and you are forever changed. SHAW: Jim knows there's only so much you can generalize from rats to people. As you might imagine, it's not exactly ethical to do these kinds of studies with sexually naive humans.

But when it comes to sex, Jim says our brains apparently work in some important similar ways. And just like with the rats in the jacket, Jim thinks your early sexual experiences with pleasure are critical in determining which preferences get set in the first place.

SHAW: Whenever you have your first sexual experience with pleasure, whether it's at age 14 or 40, your brain is activating two key chemicals - dopamine and oxytocin, affectionately known as the love chemicals. Together, they increase pleasure and desire, arousal and bonding. And once you experience their effects, you'll never forget the type of person that made it all happen.

Oh, my God, look at that - the way her nose flares. Now you become consciously aware because you're concentrating so much on what this person looks like and talks like and sounds like and smells like and feels like, et cetera. SHAW: Your brain will now associate that chin dimple or nose flare with pleasure.

And you will now pay more attention to those traits in the future. But let's say, the pleasure of having one or 10 orgasms SHAW: And if you repeat the pleasure with that person or set of characteristics over and over again And again, you're building the foundation of your attraction pattern. It was downright depressing. What if you didn't like the way your first experiences with pleasure had programmed you, the way the culture, your family or environment had pointed you towards certain fantasies, certain body types, certain races?

Initially, it felt like bad news for L's experiment - bad news for possibly a lot of us out there. But then, Jim threw in a little good news. He says you can't subtract what's already been laid down, but you can probably add new preferences by exposing yourself to new kinds of people - just like L. So the very things that you find attractive can actually shift over time with new experiences. L: I find it an interesting choice that he has his hood up under a, like, tweed coat - or not tweed, but, like, a peacoat.

So will L be able to slap her desire into submission and discover new attractions? And should she even try? It was here that L met a man on Bumble. And she met an American guy who worked in tech, and he seemed to tick all her boxes. L: He was, like, funny. He was sweet, really respectful towards his - like, his mother. Isn't this a great smile? L: We were, like, walking by the sand. It was night. Everything was lit up. It was just about to turn 11 p.

And we were in viewing distance of the Eiffel Tower. So I said, oh, let's stop right now because something's going to happen in a few minutes. And so then, you know, the clock strikes 11, and the Eiffel Tower, like, glitters. L: Like, nothing at all. It was the least sexual kiss I've ever had in my whole life. But I was kind of drunk. And I was like, let me try again.

So we, like, probably made out like three times that night, but each full of nothingness. SHAW: There was the guy she met outside the bar one night who she was really excited about. When they got together, she even made her mom's pork and eggplant dish with jalapenos to impress him. But the sex ended up being pretty meh, thanks in part to a mistake L made.

L: After our encounter, he was just, like, oh, I felt that, by the way. I was like what? And he was like, the pepper on your hand laughter. SHAW: Dating started to feel like working on a factory line, picking up and putting down interchangeable man widgets, each new face, a series of questions and racial checkboxes. SHAW: It's been two years since the experiment began.

While there have been long stretches of no dating, L told me her overall stats - five first dates with black guys, one with a half-Asian, half-white dude, only made it to three second dates. L: I feel like I have potentially - maybe overcorrected in a very specific type now.

Like, it's not, like, an even mix of the races. It's, like, pretty specific. L: It does raise that flag for me because I think that's something that's like - that also acutely affects, like, black men. And I don't want to be perpetuating that either. SHAW: The great irony being that in trying to decolonize her desire and open herself up to men of color, L ended up jumping into another stream of systemic racism with a long, ugly history - going from unconsciously discriminating against black men in dating to unconsciously targeting them.

Escape one racial preference, you feel like you might be falling into this new racial preference L is more or less aware of the absurdity of her quest. But instead of giving it up, she's now trying to course correct. She recently added a filter to her dating app so she'd only see the profiles of Asian men because it just feels politically safer for now. But even throwing the distressing fetishization of black men aside for a moment L: I really don't know. I feel like I feel the initial stages of desire now for people that maybe I otherwise wouldn't have.

But ultimately, like, when I'm talking about all these experiences, none of them have been, like, this is mind-blowing sex. Like, this is, like, physical attraction. Like, wow, I can't stop thinking about wanting to, like, sleep with this person. Like, I'm not there. When I tell people about it, I always get the same disgusted, judgmental reaction because, yes, it is offensive.

I know that to a lot of people, the whole idea of taking on racism through dating and using men of color for your I-don't-want-to-be-a-racist project is a complete non-starter if not radically wrong. But I still think it's kind of brave - brave to take on your prejudices so explicitly in the most intimate parts of yourself, especially when there's no road map to help you do it.

At the very least, it's definitely not lazy. She's setting sail to a place I'm not sure many people have gone. But the question remains, should they even go there? Should we be hacking our desire into the exact shape of our values? I'm no expert, but I found someone who is. And it turns out, L accidentally stumbled into some good practices, like exposing herself to new kinds of media and people and inserting a pause to interrogate your attractions and implicit bias, and also some less good ones.

SHAW: This is Russell Robinson, a professor at Berkeley Law School who, for the past 10 years, has been teaching students about the ways in which social structures influence our romantic choices. He's a really good person to make sense of all this because he's had to deal with racial preferences himself, a discovery he made when he first came out as a gay man and was living in LA, going out to bars.

I'm ready. And my community is waiting for me laughter , you know? And so I get all dressed up. And I go there. And, you know, I would see attractive black men. And I would try to catch their eye and try to smile. And I noticed that they would sort of look the other way and sometimes even have a look of disgust on their face. What's going on? And so after a while, I realized, like, oh. They're not here looking for other black men the way that I am. They're looking for white men, and they see me as a threat.

He does not think L's experiment should be the model. But he does think we should all absolutely be rethinking our racial preferences or fetishes if we have them because these preferences in aggregate have real consequences and are limiting the happiness and romantic options of other people. And the idea that certain categories of people like black women are less likely to find that partner simply because they're black women is very disturbing. Richard Jacob. Satan Burger 15th Anniversary Edition.

Carlton Mellick III. Dale Power. Kathleen Meyer. Special offers and product promotions Amazon Business: Make the most of your Amazon Business account with exclusive tools and savings. Register a free business account. Lots of fun to read. Great tips on how to approach Asian men. From the Author White is a cultural word. There is no race nor is there a country called white. The choice of the word in the title emphasizes the cultural aspect. Quan is an International Business Consultant.

He has travelled and worked in many countries. For more than fifteen years, he has successfully dated women of many nationalities. He has provided here, his observations in dating White women and his thoughts on the subject of a romantic relation of an Asian man with a White woman. Read more. Tell the Publisher! I'd like to read this book on Kindle Don't have a Kindle? Customer reviews. How are ratings calculated? Instead, our system considers things like how recent a review is and if the reviewer bought the item on Amazon.

It also analyzes reviews to verify trustworthiness. Top reviews Most recent Top reviews. Top reviews from the United States. There was a problem filtering reviews right now. Please try again later. Verified Purchase. This is a great novelty or gag gift, not to be taken all too seriously in my opinion. The title alone is humorous, and this is the book featured on The Steve Harvey show in , where Steve Harvey mocked Asian Men and became the well deserved target of critics proclaiming his prejudiced and racist humor at the expense of another minority.

Buy it because you want to be entertained, not because you are a white woman curious about Asian Men or an Asian Man looking for a White Woman. As an Asian man dating a white woman, I find this book to be inaccurate in many ways.

But it was interesting to read and definitely a funny conversation starter to have on hand. I am now engaged to the same white woman so maybe I should write a book and charge thirty bucks for it. The book gives you a lot of tips on dating Anglo women. The author is friendly in what he says, but don't expect that once you finish this book that a Beautiful Anglo woman who looks like Brooke Shields, or Marina Anna Eich is going to ask you out at the workplace once you apply this information.

It is basic stuff that he talks about such as lifting weights, eating well in front of them when taking them out to eat, as well as one bathing and using the cologne. It is easier and more approachable for an Anglo man to date an Asian woman from Vietnam or China as compared to an Anglo woman dating or marrying an Asian man from Japan or Thailand.

It's millions and millions of years of evolution that the Anglo woman has inside of her-ingrained into her DNA system of why for the most part they will only date and marry Anglo Saxon men. Many men of different races want to date attractive Anglo women from America, Canada, Germany, or Australia, but for the majority of the time, Anglo women from these countries and from the Anglo Saxon race don't want to date nor see themselves dating outside their race.

It is the truth even though Anglo ladies will say some type of Politically correct answer in order for them to be off the hook. This book by author Quan will give you a light blueprint of how the Anglo woman works. The author is innocent in how he writes his dating information and you will learn something new even though it is As compared to a man of Asian descent finding a date or even marriage with an Anglo-German woman or an Australian woman from Brisbane.

Anglo women are racist even though they will deny it in front of you. They know how to work the English language in manipulating this word and that word and the situation and when it comes to dating-they surely will take the bunny out of the hat and beat you to the punch in not giving you that second date because of your race.

This is due to the millions and trillions of years of evolution that the Anglo woman has inside her DNA System. Another book that assisted me in this conclusion was the book by author Andrew Trees titled, "Decoding Love. Will they change? With time it will happen, and we are talking millions of years. Remember-they have trillions of years of evolution to them-inside their DNA. It is best to get part of their blueprint right now from these two books as compared to a young 25 year old Asian man saying to himself, "What did I do wrong when it came to dating Meghan An Anglo woman from Germany?

She is so beautiful. These two books that I have mentioned will lead you to the final conclusion. One can be sarcastic with this review and say it is not true.

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