This is not helpful and certainly not an easy quality to deal with in someone you share your life with, but the key to it working is understanding why the person does the things they do so you can work together to help them. In my somewhat limited but quite eventful 26 years of experience, as a person with BPD, the way to make it work with that person is always communication.
But if you learn about the illness, its symptoms and discuss with your partner, you will be able to find healthy ways of dealing with them and I promise you it will be worth it. Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at pm. Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here , and you could see your message published on the site.
The Fix The daily lifestyle email from Metro. Sign up. Share this article via facebook Share this article via twitter Share this article via messenger Share this with Share this article via email Share this article via flipboard Copy link. Share this article via comment Share this article via facebook Share this article via twitter. More Stories. She took it personally and would become defensive. If your man is always assuming things, then remember to take a step back and look at the argument from an objective point of view.
The answer could lie right their on the surface. Because men with BPD had a rough upbringing, they usually compensate for this by becoming overly controlling. This is often why these types of men end up dating women who are rather weak and Codependent.
Perhaps you like to be controlled and told what to do. However, this can become toxic when that man is trying to control parts of your life. If so, then you have fallen into this victim mentality. The only person responsible for becoming a victim is you and you alone.
Refer to point 2 above to gain insights into dealing with these issues from an objective point of view. Many women come to me with situations just like this. But believe me — this is going to end worse for you than for him. Perhaps you had a parent who was unavailable to you? Only you can figure out this answer. All I can do is guide you to this emotional freedom, which is the purpose of my training programs.
People from all walks of life can be compulsive liars. And you know what? When it comes to words, you should always remind yourself that they are weak. I interact with a lot of women. I carry a strong, alpha-type personality and women just love throwing me jabs. But they know that I love it. Liars eventually get found out. If you know for a fact your man is lying, just leave. Ignore him for a couple of weeks so that he can really feel that sting.
If you stick around with a man that you know is lying with you, then you are enabling him to continue this bad behavior. Leave before he can leave you. It sends the strongest message possible because indifference is the opposite of love — not hate. Remember that ultimately these types of men have their own unique issues that stem back from their own unique upbringing. Guys that have BPD will be all over the place. The more codependent and weaker you are with boundaries, the more likely you are to be abused and taken advantage of.
This is why I write these articles. My mission is to help men and women develop strength and unleash their potential. Sounds crazy to hear, but these men act tough and crazy because they want you to put them in their place. They want you to own them. The last thing you should be doing is mothering him. Time and time again, I find women becoming the caretaker of these crazy-types of men. It actually makes the relationships worse, however.
Take the 5 points I talked about above and see which ones apply most directly to your current situation. Prioritize and tackle one point at a time. I have your program and find it really helpful. He was divorced married 14 years and engaged before me for two years. So, he is not afraid of commitment. He shared that his ex-girlfriend had BPD and the one before that was bipoloar — he seems to have a huge victim mentality an and blames everyone else for everything that happens to him.
He is highly successful and can be charming, generous, chivalrous, kind, loving and loyal but when I say something he does not like? And then go right back to being loving when the argument is over. I struggle with how someone can be so endearing truly with so awful.
And I have my moments as well. I am struggling. Thank you for the article. Everyone is different. Thanks for the feed back :. This is exactly what I deal with with my partner. Does he ever talk about people being good or bad people? They see things black and white, good and bad.
No grey. My mission is to train people to develop their inner core and identity, ultimately building your own self-respect to astronomical levels. With high levels of self-respect, you get what you want out of life: Your relationships are different. People treat you differently.
This is the big picture here and I want people to see and understand this. Hi, I am dating a real manipulator. He use the ignore and silent treatment a lot. I know he is a serial dater. He seems extremely and passionately in love when you are with him.
Asks you to write to him the next day. Puts you through a questionaire as if he is evaluating you for his future wife or something. Only to give you the ignore treatment when you doo write him the next day. He has this thing with submission.
He always plans half dates… but they never amount to anything. He constantly keeps you in an almost relationship. I never give in to him or show weakness. And constantly ask if i am in love with him. I always say No. I find it Hard to bee patient during the silent treatment periode. And I usually end up braking it off with him.
Usually that works. But this time seems different. He normally reads the messages i send him but just dont answer. Dont Even read them. Last time i sag him he sad that i always sound come home to him and sleep, when i have been out… Even if he sad No.
That world bedste fine with me. Cause im not in love with him. I just like the Challenge and ses him as a friends with benefits. But I am a fraid to just show up… Will he humiliate me or doesent he mean it? Thanks for the comment :. Hope you can help me. We got engaged after a few weeks and started planning the wedding but we both were out of work for some of this time, so wedding planning halted.
Anyway we have had our ups and downs he moved out for a week earlier this year. Every time he asks if I want to work things out he makes me come up with a list of things I will do to change. So I work on those things and then after a few months he will find other things I am doing wrong and uses that to make the excuse to leave. But the other day things got the worst they have in all this time. Well, he did I did call him incessantly the other day. What do I do? Let him come to you.
So we were talking for a while. Things have been ok, but now we are at a breakup again. He got mad at me for what he percieved to be my selfishness when he did not live up to his word to spend time with me over the weekend. He is also recently admitted his is a pain pill addict, and I threw that in his face. Well why are you fighting with him like that and getting into a yelling match?
I know it can be extremely difficult to control your emotions, but this is the type of situation where you have to gain control. So what you need to do going forward is to stop getting into these yelling matches with him. Be non-reactive to his BS. He lives at home in his own unit beside his parents.
Has never retained a job consistently for longer than a few months. Each girlfriend he has there was always a reason for him to justify leaving her because she was not good enough for him. Somehow he can spin a web around anything to make it look like everyone else is wrong because he can see their weaknesses………. He can systematically find every single fault and weakness in every human he crosses. He is never wrong sincerely………. With me he has gone all out and showed his devotions where as he has never done so with anyone before.
Red flag? Hi, thanks for coming here and asking questions. You see, with these types of people you really have to be confident and content with who you are. Hope this makes sense, it is pretty advanced :. I think you have something here.
I believe this is what attracted my ex to me because it is what he lacked in himself. But after being in a relationship with him I began to wither away with tiring from the constant validation he required. I stopped caring for myself because it would take a lot of energy making up for the neglect he felt about himself. Well, once I began to notice a part of my spirit had slipped away, he began to devalue me. I was no longer the strong confident independent person he admired. I believe he found these attributes in me and these attributes were what he was always wanting for himself.
After we broke up or rather when he pulled the rug from under me, I was broken. I felt that a big part of my soul had been lost in our relationship. I was a mess. I was down and missed him so much. And the worst part was the shock factor. The fact that one day he was in love with me and literally a few days later he felt like I was a walking disease. I spoke up about it.
Thing is, it was not like I asked for marriage or anything major. I just asked him to do his part. I remember we were laying down and he looked me in the eyes and told me that everything felt comfortable and like home with us and he said he felt so happy with me in his arms. A few days later it was like speaking to some mad man stranger who blamed me for his life problems. He told me that he felt ashamed to be seen with me. I asked him how he could say that to me? I told him it made me feel like crap….
I just felt hurt. Anyway, after time I began to get my confidence back. I weaned myself off of him. I started to focus on myself. And in the beginning I mean that he started seeing someone two months after we ended. After we broke up he was hot and cold with me. It was a confusing time especially when my feelings for him was still strong. I went to therapy. I looked back on the red flags that I let slide.
I realized that I sacrificed my authenticity to adapt to his ways. It is obvious to me that the ex still has insecurities and is emotionally immature. But I find it interesting that he is still stuck in the blame game and woe is me attitude. Just like in the safety demonstration on airplanes….
I need to place the mask over my own face before placing the mask on someone else. And I realize that his smiling and living it up was a temporary fix…. More importantly, I can see that thru his facade and mask wearing so much more clearly now. I still have compassion. I still hope he gets the help he needs and addresses the core issues he lived with. I wish he truly saw and believed without fear that I cared for him sincerely instead of focusing on his shame and what others would think of him.
I feel sad for him and the fog he lives with about himself, life, and others. They really can only help themselves. I just tell people that if they want to be happy in life, they need to first figure out why they are not happy and work on that area. So yeah he has to find his own happiness. You cannot do it for him :. Until one day I found out he had been a victim of child rape so I would give him hugs out of sympathy.
Soon he began to relax. Then he slowly began to pursue me, through text. His past is a string of sad stories, his first gf overdosing on drugs while pregnant with his child which he blames himself for , bad relationships who used him, cancer, and being mistreated. He claims to hate himself and wonder why he exists and that he ruins the lives of whoever he gets close to.
He told me he loved me, wrote me poetry, everything. Anytime I tried to break it off, his face would age ten years and tears would stream down. So he attempted to join my religion but failed and got very depressed, drawing pictures of shooting himself in the head.
During these months he would grab me at work and caress me even if I pushed him away because I set physical boundaries. Unbeknownst to me, he began talking to another girl behind my back and I found out recently he had been sleeping with her and he slowly became distant yet still grabby. We had an argument at work that got me so emotional I walked out and almost lost my job.
He wanted me to lie to the boss so that he had nothing to do with it. When I went to confront them both, he kept denying she was in the apartment and when I faced her and told her how he had just been trying to get me in bed the week before. He said nothing, his eyes grew watery and a deep angry frown on his face. He yelled at me to get out before he called the police.
Now he and his gf blocked me and is giving me the silent treatment. My question is…is this man a sociopath or has bpd? Did he drop me because of the pressure of failure? Your insight is appreciated. He lies to you, he cheats on you and yet you still want to be with him? Honey, have some self-respect. There are plenty of better men out there just waiting for a girl like you. We would just hang out at work and frankly maybe I was being a tease. But he does lie. A lot. He goes to therapy daily and is working hard on getting better.
I have been very supportive and patient through his treatment, cutting episodes, frequent low moods and drinking. Though I am struggling to be patient through this latest challenge. This is a typical issue with people that have issues such as your boyfriend.
They focus on the past and are therefore negative forces. I would highly consider telling your boyfriend that he needs to man up and worry about himself before he starts judging you for your past. My honest opinion for people like this is to just not be honest, lol.
Thanks for your reply. A couple of close friends have weighed in and told me to tell him the same thing, just man up and get over it. I have another question. Should I have a relationship with his family? His situation includes a family that is very uninformed and mostly in denial of his condition, but they are also constantly involved in our lives.
And for him, they continue to provide an invalidating environment. They reach out to me often, and I have maintained a polite relationship with them so far. It is very frustrating hearing about the ways they let him down or exacerbate a situation.
Though part of me wants to be the bridge between then and help both parties understand each other. Should I just stay out of it? Worry about myself first? I think you should leave the family out of it. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that the family can help. After all, words are meaningless. A family sit down therapy session will do nothing for him, in my opinion. You know the family better than I do so if you think it would help, then give it a try.
I got pregnant early on in the relationship and right away he thought it best we get married. He is in the military and would deploy or leave for training often. I think this kept the relationship good for a long time because he was always missing me. He was the most amazing, attentive person or the first year. Now the next year after my son was born he became a different person altogether lost the facade. Everytime I complained about something in the relationship he would say we are over and I would have to beg and plead with him not to leave and he would make me promise I would try to be better in some aspect of our relationship, tried to make me kiss another woman because it was a turn on for him.
We are still living together for the past week but barely talking and planning for seperation. Am I fooling myself? His dad left his mom when he was a baby so was raised by just his mom and stepdad. He admitted to cheating in past relationships. Please help!! So the best move right now is to really just let him go. Tell him that if he wants to be single again then he should go do it.
Rick, thank you for the advice. A little update. I was trying to just take a step back and let him to what he wants. He will text me all day and I try not to text back but he will ask me things that have to do with our son and so then I respond. I gave in, which I know was the wrong thing to do. Sometimes he will be really rude and moody towards me and go off and hangout all day with his friends.
But then he woke me up this morning saying he got me breakfast and coffee. What do you think and are there other actions I can take to make him come around? Hi I stumbled across your article. I like your page very informative. My ex who I think has bpd dumped me almost 3 weeks ago. I was starting to get over him fine but his sister out of nowhere emails me and apologizes for her brothers behavior. And it got me obsessing over him again. When I first met him he was all into me. But I can tell he had baggage.
His ex mother of his 3 kids and they were together 12 years since he was He found out she cheated and was a dirty masseuse. I guess I was his distraction from all this. I was also going through a recent breakup. We got along so well and he did so much for me in the beginning.
It was like a dream come true. It did alarm me though couple weeks in I tried to stop talking to him so I can work it out with my ex. But he told me he loved me and thought about marriage already so I saw the red flag. But ignored it. He pleaded for me not to leave him so I stayed we continued talking. Everything was great he was always around. Then I noticed a shift in behavior. I maybe have narcissistic traits.
That probably turned him off. He still came around just not as strong as before. But everytime I tried to end things or ignore him he would plead and beg for me to stay he said he needed me loved me and was deeply in love. I believed him. His ex found out he was moving on with me so she constantly kept trying to get back with him as he says we went on a Vegas trip. When we came back he was more distant than before. We pushed and pulled every week.
Finally toward the end he went MIA for 3 days. I finally get a hold of him through email I told him he was wrong and blamed him for treating me like that. I broke it off. He kept coming back again this time he sent flowers to my work and came to my work parked outside and waited for me for 4 hours.
I talked to him and we made up. Said it was his last chance. I posted the pics on social media his ex found out was upset. Used the kids as ultimatum. So his sister explains to me she thought he was happy with me was confused when he and his ex tried to work things out days after our Vegas trip. So all along I was the side bitch.
So all along he was back and forth between her and I. And she found out he was still seeing me so he forced him to write the last text. He did me wrong hurt me and cheated lied. You answered your own question. Thank you for your article. I am 3 months out of a relationship with now I know was a BPD man. Keep doing great work. You come before your partner, never forget :.
I left my partner of 6 years because I was sick of his uncontrollable rages and a long list of other things but most of all because he refused to change and seek help. In a bid to win me back after I left he sort counseling and it was discovered he had BPD.
We have two children together so cutting off contact with him has never been an option especially because i would like to have a good co parenting relationship with him. Since we spit 12 months ago we have spent 11 of those months fight with each other but recently in the past 4 weeks we have not had one argument and seem to be sorting out this whole co parenting relationship pretty well.
The problem now is that because i am able to speak to him like a friend and we have been treating each other with respect I am starting to see him as the person he was when we first met 7 years ago, and i miss that guy so much. We were best friends and although we had bad times the good time were really great and I miss them.
Am I crazy to be thinking about him constantly and wanting him after everything he has put me through. So the fact that you fought for 11 months is bad. Something will happen that will escalate into a fight. Let me know what happens.
Also, if you fight, it could turn into a recurrent fight. Besides not texting or calling, what other things can one do to make the BPD male feel challenged to come get me? How long do I stay silent? I do believe he loves me, but I know he will not commit. After not seeing him for 2 years because he cheated and ended up moving in with someone it lasted only 1. I resisted for a few months, but obviously caved because there is no abuse on his end.
No raging, no verbal aggression. When he lets his guard down and spends time, we are extremely compatible and enjoy every minute. Neither has he. I will do anything for him, but he knows that…I have tried to put up boundry lines, talk about respect, my feelings, etc.
He becomes quiet and then pushes away. I worry, and then panic. You know how the story goes. How can I control my emotional reaction to this with my mind? I was doing very well before, even though it took a year to pull myself out of the pit.
We have some mutual friends and I am friends with his oldest son. He shuts down and will not open his mouth any time feelings are brought up. His parents were both alcoholics, and there are major abandonment issues from his mother as a child. I believe she had mental illness as well as being an addict. He has had mounds of rejection with other women…. How can I tell him to seek clinical help if he has no idea he is ill. He denies he is an alcoholic.
He only says he has a drinking problem, however, besides that, he has done rehab for drug addiction 16 years ago. He tells people he wants me and loves me, but his actions do not reflect that. Well I think the best course of action is to walk away. Just set the line and be willing to walk away like you have been. Hi Rick, I met a fantastic guy in my church 4 months ago, the first time i saw him he was very depressed.
These two conditions are very similar. So then that does become a genetic issue. Get him to commit more to you than you to him. Hope this helps :. You are there to validate him and make him the centerpiece of your life. No woman should try to be the saviour in the relationship.
When a man feels weak he will leave and a BDP male always feel weak because they are,sad but true. No do NOT be their savior. Just my two cents. Takes a lot of work…even more so than dating someone without bpd. Okay so I can relate slightly. My bPD and I were together for a year he left one day, quit his career as a police officer and 3 years later with one failed relationship since and several woman he came back said he needs help and 6 months later he left again! My question is….. What the hell does this mean?
Now after 3 weeks we have not spoken he tells a mutal friend that he gets bored w one girl. This is a new one for me. Aww damn I really feel for ya here because you sound like you just want to have a good, healthy relationship. So I mean if you want to try and pursue that, then go ahead. They just jump from one dirty girl to the next. Seven years ago I met might BPD ex three months into the relationship I got pregnant, four months in the relationship all of his symptoms started to show.
I was devastated to find out he had been seeing other women, I had always been faithful and never lied, he idolizes these women but then it only lasts a month or so. I loved him and wanted our family to be together especially for my daughter being so sick.
I told him that we would need a lot of counseling and that he would have to admit to his PPD and get a lot of treatment. I know I need a lot of therapy and help to get through the things that have happened but at the same time I still feel like I abandoned him and I wanted to fix him.
So how am I supposed to help you here? Why would you be so in love with a guy that you just told me is the scum of the earth? The only problem here is that YOU seem to fall in love with guys that are scum. Maybe stop loving men that are pieces of shit?
That would be a good place to start. I found your site and wanted to briefly share my situation, I need some insight. Things were good for about the first 4 months and it WA st til I lost a family member that he was missing in responding to my texts, calls for 3 days. He had some lame excuse for not being there. In the year I was with him, he never took me on a date, I always ended up paying for everything, and he made few attempts to introduce me to his family and friends.
When he would get angry, he would spew mean nasty things with name calling and as soon as I would stand up to him, he would back down. He could be verbally abusive at times. I struggle because, I do have a heart and I do know for a fact he came from a sad childhood and a lot happened to him to shape who he is today. How should I handle when he pops up and sends me a message? Pure madness. Should I just not respond to any of his messages, now and going forward?
I look forward to your response! Happy Holidays. I have a difficult time helping women like you out because what you just described makes no sense. Did you read what you wrote? You describe to me a man that does nothing for you, treats you like shit, is basically scum, and then you go and say that you love him. My life is built on a high quality lifestyle. This website is all about teaching men and women to live high quality lives.
Only low quality women date those tool douche bag types like your boyfriend. So start there. Sound like my ex! I wonder if you live in Arizona.. I met his family and they like me but he always accuses me of cheating. Hi Rick, I have been reading your articles for a while and want to say that I think they are really inspirational and have given me a lot of strength over the past few months.
I think I am married to a man with BPD — although when he was younger he was diagnosed with bipolar — but to me his behaviour sounds much more like BPD than anything. As some context, he suffered physical and mental abuse not sexual at the hands of his domineering overbearing father when he was younger.
When we met, he was the most charming, witty, funny, intelligent guy I have ever met — and he completely swept me off my feet — we were married within a year. He shared the most intimate things about his past relationships with me he has been a serial womaniser for years, but told me that I was different, the love of his life, and he would never leave me.
Everyone has problems, right? We worked in the same company, and saw each other every day — and he seemed secure and happy. Just before we got married, he suddenly told me he wanted to leave me. I was totally confused but managed to talk him round, thinking it was just cold feet and we did get married. Just after we got married, we moved jobs and now no longer work in the same company. From that moment on it has been getting worse and worse.
He is jealous and possessive about who I see, unless he comes with me. It is constant emotional blackmail to get his own way. Having read your website — I have come to the conclusion that he probably has BPD or similar and that I am probably co-dependant, so I am now trying to dissociate myself from his behaviour and focus more on my needs. He has an exceptionally high IQ he was tested above , and so he is extremely good at manipulative behaviour, and it is so difficult because he can argue black is white, and make you believe it.
One of the most difficult things to deal with is the way he is so great when we are out in company — smiling, talkative and charming with everyone, and as soon as we get home, he is a different person — irritated, undermining and moody.
I love him for the man I met — the charming, witty, handsome, smiling person who I see when we go out with other people, but this man disappears when we get home. There are glimpses of the man I met occasionally, when he is in a good mood, and I wonder if it can ever be like it was? I have talked to my mother — in — law, who told me his father was exactly the same I did not know this before we were married.
His father was a very volatile, emotinally unstable, jealous, manipulative man, and I can see much of that in my husband, who refuses to see that he is like that at all. To be honest, I would be kinda relieved if he left, as I live day to day being constantly stressed about what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home. That said, I know the man he can be, and still remember this in the bad times. Am I kidding myself that it can ever be as good as it was? Wow, quite the story!
All charming and fun in public, then an asshole in private. These people, while manipulative, actually want you to have the power! I say in most cases because you never really know exactly. So my advice is to just keep on building that power. When he tries to manipulate you, call him out. So go find someone else because this is off limits until you change your attitude.
So just call him out on his BS. I know someone with Bpd who seems to be attracted to me. I just am not sure what to do if I get into a relationship with him. Should I just keep it as close friends or friends for now? I want some advice to learn how to stand up if something goes wrong.
So just do as you say, take things slow. It has given me much more confidence to stand up to him now. Yeah they like when you show self respect and the bipolar male friend I had told me it makes him run toward a woman with respect because she cannot be conquered, if your winey and hurting acting they will just consider you weak and loose interest. Another good tip is that everyone is different. So when it comes to dating, if you know that a certain guy likes to run after women, it means that he likes to be dominated and conquered.
I just found your site and I am really glad I did! I have been dating my boyfriend for about 15 months now. In the beginning he had a job, he was kind and compassionate and he really put forth the effort into our relationship. I was honest about him with my past something I realize now that I should have just kept to myself and for the past 6 months he hold this over my head. I also made the mistake of looking on his facebook one day and I owned up to it, but he is still pissed about it 6 months later.
He decided he was going to move out and that we are now on a break. One person suggested he might have BPD, and from everything I have read all of his behavior as our relationship goes on makes so much more sense now. I feel really bad for cutting him off financially but I just could not do it anymore.
Am I doing the right thing by standing my ground better late than never and forcing him to take care of himself? So my advice is that you really just need to not take the things he says to you personally. I met a man 4 years ago who was going through a divorce. He swept me off my feet even though I knew it was wrong to date him while he was still married.
I had never experienced such a wonderful romantic chase from a man in my entire life. He had 6 affairs while being married 30 years to his ex. He also indicated there was some sexual abuse as a youth, and his father totally abandoned him and the family as well as being very verbally and physically abusive to all the children. Over the next few years, he continued to ask me to marry him one day and then indicated I made it up. About 6 months after his divorce was final, he began to pull away from me.
He ended up with some type of a physical condition that not even the numerous doctors can diagnose. His ups and downs, pulling me close, and then pushing me away drove me nuts. One day he said he loved me more than his own mother, more than even his own daughters.
After 2 years of the on again off again emotions and outburst for no reason, I broke it off with him. Within 2 weeks we were talking again and trying to work through out issues which I never understood what they were. I asked him if we would go for counseling, but he refused saying that never worked in the past when he went with his exwife.
They have lived with this same on again off again behavior and the memory loss, that they are afraid to get too close to him. So he is all alone with himself. Well, with the exception of all the new women that he constantly brings into his life. At first he claimed they were only friends, but now I begin to wonder. We did get back together, only I ended up breaking it off with him once again a few months later.
This time, we continued to try to work things out, but from a distance. We got back together about 8 months later, but then a few short weeks later he told me that he was telling people we were only friends. I was so hurt and shocked as this man continued to pursue me sexually and continued to tell me that he wanted a life with me. I ended up breaking it off with him for the 3rd time after this. Shortly after that, he asked me out to dinner and professed his deep love for me and told me that I just needed to give him time to work through some things.
But he begged me not to give up on him and to just give him some time and understanding. So we continued to see each other, yet stepping back and not seeing each other constantly. We still had access to each other homes keys etc , and he still popped into my place whenever he wanted. Then one day without warning after just discussing buying a home together and finally settling down, he sent me a text message to say he was seeing someone else.
How can someone say such wonderful things for 4 years, and then all of a sudden be seeing someone new? It seems to be his norm. I want to get over him and move on, but my heart just feels so confused. I have read your website and am in the process of listening to your book. I have a very unqiue situtation. Probably one you have never heard of before. I am married but I am in the process of going thru a divorce, in the mean time I meet my bestfriend. We have a really close relationship with a Bipolar male.
He is in a down cycle switched his job, lost his car, lost his apartment. He is slowing working on getting his life back on track. I have been there for him while I go thru my own struggles but he is always there for me. He has been upfront with me on his mental illness and struggles, his relationship patterns, his depression and his inablility to commit to someone. All the while we have been hanging out getting close and attached to one another.
Recently was the first time he needed his space he said things in my life brought up emotions for him and i was asking him to define the realationship to fast I want to know how I can be with this person and be a good outlet for him?
I cherish him and have the emotional control within myslef. What does he need to know to understand I am not going anywhere even in the down cycles? I believe Bipolar people are worth loving especailly this one. Thank you so much for your help. I look foward to a succesful realationship with your help. Let him be the one to open up to you, to ask you to be in a relationship.
It seems that you want more commitment. Just let him do that in time. Give him the space he needs. When you do hang out with him, just keep it friendly. Let him be the one to make the moves. They probably sleep around as they love the process of getting a woman into bed. But committing? No chance. I absolutely LOVE that commnet and observation. It feeds his ego. He is compelled to do it in order to make him feel good, needed and wanted.
I will be continuing to write my own personal story on my blog and will be writing about this man very shortly. I would love for you to follow my blog and provide your feedback and comments around him and his ways at some point. I kept the blogspot link because, well, your articles are pretty entertaining lol. Hi Rick Im really happy that i found your sight. I have learned a great deal here so far. I was wondering if you could share some of your thoughts with me.
I believe that I have BPD and im in the process of being diagnosed and im dating a girl who has gone through DBT for a year for her borderline. I am finding that my behavior is jeopardizing the relationship and i really want this to work. I am taking steps to improve and am willing to put in the effort to change myself but there are times when my emotions just take over and it seems that i am poweless to stop it. Are there any suggestions that you could provide that would help me remedy this?
I would appreciate any help and would like to say thank you for having a great website for people like me to refer to as a resource. Hi Jon thanks for the kind words! I actually just released an article on emotional control. I highly recommend you read through that and apply what you can to your life. Let me know how it goes :.
I am I was devastated and started googling things on the Internet. I have never heard of BPD until 2 weeks ago. I have never heard of words like engulfment, splitting, projecting, hoovering, gaslighting… all things he has done to me many many times. I have been reading a lot about BPD, mostly very negative until I found your site.
You seem very down to earth and knowledgeable about the issue. I have done pretty well over the past 2 weeks. I have not seen him or contacted him. He has text messaged me many times. If I do reply back to him my reply is vague or one word answers. But even by doing this — am I playing a game or being the same as him super avoidant?
I am doing my own thing… working on my yoga practice, focusing on work, catching up with girlfriends, reading. One thing interesting you said was the BPD wants you me to have the power and I was wondering if you could talk a little more about that. He is very controlling and the crazy thing is, in the past 3 or 4 months, I have tried my best to be more in control and he always shuts me down. I have been working most of my adult life to be more assertive. I know his life story, names of old girlfriends.
He told me everything early on and it never clicked with me until 2 weeks ago. I have met his parents and they seem lovely, but from what I have read is that the BPD males had issues with their moms.
Personally, the only thing that gives me true happiness is other people, which is why BPD is a cruel illness — because most people who suffer from it are gregarious, true people lovers, but they struggle to maintain close relationships because of their illness. When you finally meet the person who sets your world on fire, it feels incredible. You want to spend every minute of the day with them because you find them so interesting, so much fun, and so enjoyable to be around.
Having such strong emotions make people with BPD incredibly empathetic, and because of this we find it easy to connect with people on an emotional level quickly. When people pull away for any reason, that part of our illness goes into overdrive and this is where the disorder may get its bad name.
To understand why our reactions can be so adverse, our partner needs to understand that because of our illness, we think differently in some ways to others. This is not helpful and certainly not an easy quality to deal with in someone you share your life with, but the key to it working is understanding why the person does the things they do so you can work together to help them.
In my somewhat limited but quite eventful 26 years of experience, as a person with BPD, the way to make it work with that person is always communication. But if you learn about the illness, its symptoms and discuss with your partner, you will be able to find healthy ways of dealing with them and I promise you it will be worth it.
Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at pm. In addition, suicidal gestures can be scary for romantic partners and can introduce lots of stress into the relationship. If you or your partner are having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at for support and assistance from a trained counselor.
If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database. Research has confirmed that people with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of tumult and dysfunction. In addition, research has also shown that BPD symptoms are associated with a greater number of romantic relationships over time, and a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies in women.
This suggests that romantic relationships with people with BPD are more likely to end in a breakup. Finally, in terms of sex, research has shown that women with BPD have more negative attitudes about sex, are more likely to feel pressured into having sex with their partner, and are more ambivalent about sex than women without BPD.
Given all the difficulties that exist in BPD relationships, why would anyone start a relationship with someone with the disorder? Often they have many positive qualities that can make them great romantic partners some of the time. Furthermore, many people who have been in a romantic relationship with someone with BPD talk about how fun, exciting, and passionate a BPD partner can be.
Many people are drawn to a BPD partner precisely because people with BPD have intense emotions and a strong desire for intimacy. Most BPD relationships go through a honeymoon period. This honeymoon period can be very exciting for the new partner too. After all, it's really nice to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel as if you are needed. Problems start to arise, however, when reality sets in.
When a person with BPD realizes that her new partner is not faultless, that image of the perfect idealized soul mate can come crashing down. Because people with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking , or seeing things only in black and white, they can have trouble recognizing the fact that most people make mistakes even when they mean well. As a result, people with BPD may quickly go from idealization to devaluation —or thinking that their partner is a horrible person.
The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and to encourage your BPD partner to get professional help to reduce these cycles. Sometimes partners in BPD relationships are helped by couples therapy. In addition to couples therapy, for the person with BPD, there are therapies that have been shown to be effective in terms of helping with relationships:.
Many issues may arise when a BPD relationship is ending. Because people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling absolutely desperate and devastated. Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD can often have trouble letting the relationship go.
This is particularly true of long-term partnerships or marriages. This is why it's a good idea to have a support network for you and partner, especially if a break-up may occur, and this network often includes a mental health professional.
On a positive and final note, please remember that the prognosis for BPD is good. This means that while most people with BPD do experience residual symptoms even after time and treatment, in the long term there is often hope that your relationship with your loved one can work. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. Psychological therapies for people with borderline personality disorder.
Cochrane Database Syst Rev. Childhood sexual abuse in adult patients with borderline personality disorder. Ind Psychiatry J. J Pers Disord. Pregnancies, abortions, and births among women with and without borderline personality disorder.
Womens Health Issues. Sexual behavior in borderline personality: a review. Innov Clin Neurosci. Borderline personality disorder. National Institute of Mental Health.
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Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns people with BPD tend to have:. Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I always lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I try to do to stop them from leaving me. These thoughts may be completely at odds with your own perception of your partner, but it is imperative to understand that for them, they are very real, and can drive them toward extreme and seemingly irrational behavior.
Navigating through this emotional minefield can be difficult and painful for both of you, but knowing that their thoughts and behaviors are the product of intensely powerful perceptional distortions deeply rooted in their mental health disorder, rather than a reflection of your own shortcomings, can bring some comfort.
For Thomas, educating himself about BPD helped him move from self-blame to empathy and compassion:. There are a lot of nuances, complexities, and lines to be read through with BPD, but mostly I see Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness about pain, fear, and struggling to cope with all of that. But the common conception is just [that they are] crazy, which is an extraordinarily damaging misconception to those who suffer from it.
Unfortunately, the misconceptions surrounding borderline personality disorder often lead people to assume relationships with those who suffer from the condition are doomed to fail. In part, this is spurred by the myth that BPD is untreatable, a false but prevalent belief that can too often remove hope. In reality, with the right treatment, many people with BPD can learn to manage their symptoms , and a substantial number achieve remission to the point where they no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for the illness.
By integrating specialized BPD therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy with other evidence-based clinical and holistic therapies within the context of a comprehensive treatment plan, it is possible to disrupt the emotional and behavioral instability of BPD and establish inner tranquility. Along with individual and group therapies, couples therapy is often an integral part of healing from BPD, as individuals and as a team. With the guidance of an experienced therapist who understands the unique challenges presented by BPD, you can create strategies for supporting your partner and yourself while nurturing and fortifying your relationship.
As Dr. Because their emotion is all there, and acting that way is all they know, and then when you show them an easier way to be, and to act, they see how much easier life can be. At Bridges to Recovery, we specialize in diagnosing and treating psychiatric and emotional issues such as borderline personality disorder.
We provide compassionate and effective care in a serene residential setting so clients can focus on their treatment and recovery without the worries of external pressures and stressors. BPD Treatment at Bridges. Treatment Specialties. View Our Facilities. Meet Our Experts. We are here to listen compassionately. Our free, confidential telephone consultation will help you find the best treatment program for you. We can also guide you in approaching a loved one who needs treatment.
Skip to content Admissions Search for:. Begin Your Recovery Journey. Struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder? You're Not Alone. We're Here to Help. Email Us. Passion and Fear in BPD Relationships Borderline Personality Disorder is a chronic and complex mental health disorder marked by instability, and interpersonal relationships are often the stage on which this instability plays out.
Although each person has their own unique experience, these are some common thought patterns people with BPD tend to have: I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. If someone treats me badly, then I become bad. When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing. Or you feel responsible for any relapse they may have. While this is not the case for all BPD patients, many people with BPD are dealing with the effects of an abusive and traumatic childhood.
If this is the case for your partner, they may struggle with trusting others and forming intimate relationships. Many child abuse victims believe that they are not worthy of being loved and will never find real love. Jealousy and anger can easily flare in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. This tendency sometimes stems from their fear of abandonment, which can cause them to overreact to a situation no matter how small it might actually be.
They may continuously require the reassurance of your love and commitment to them too. If you believe your partner has BPD, but they refuse to seek help, you may find couples counseling helpful. Couples counseling can help teach you how to communicate more effectively with your partner and manage your relationship.
This may encourage your partner to pursue treatment for BPD if they initially refused to. Alternatively, couples counseling could be a great addition to regular counseling and treatment for BPD. Through many of these support options, you can learn healthy ways to handle stress with meditation, yoga, and deep breathing. When you are caught up in relationship drama, it can be easy to forget to take care of your mental and physical health.
Exercising, resting, and eating healthy can help you handle your stress and emotions better. Whether you need to reach out to family members for help or enroll in a support group for people with spouses who are diagnosed with BPD, there is always someone you can lean on. Both in-person and online counseling services are available for people in your position.
Remember — you are not their parent or their hero. It can be easy for people to fall into a caretaking role for their partners with BPD. They may see them as fragile creatures that need to be taken care of. Succumbing to these instincts can create an unhealthy dynamic between you and your partner.
A firm partner that encourages responsibility might be what they need instead of a doting caretaker. When your partner attempts to communicate their feelings to you, make sure you listen actively and validate their feelings. Dismissing these emotions may cause pain to your partner and strain your relationship. While change can — and certainly does — happen, the process does not occur overnight.
People with BPD tend to be misunderstood, whether from bias or a lack of education on the disorder. As a partner to someone with BPD, you might find your relationship with them to improve after educating yourself on BPD and how to improve communication and set boundaries.
If you or someone you know is considering therapy for BPD, the licensed mental health professionals at BetterHelp can help you work through your challenges and obstacles. Source: rawpixel. What Is Borderline Personality Disorder? Brain Structure And Function : As researchers continue to untangle the complexities of the BPD brain, it is important to learn what they have found.
People with BPD tend to have a brain that is on high alert. This malfunction may result from structural and functional changes in areas of the brain that control impulses and emotional regulation. They may attempt to cling to you or track your movements to prevent you from leaving. Sometimes a person with BPD may switch between hating themselves and holding themselves in high esteem.
They might also lack a clear direction in life, constantly changing careers, friends, partners, and goals. Impulsive Behaviors : People with BPD may engage in impulsive behaviors such as driving recklessly, engaging in unsafe sex, or binging alcohol.
Extreme Emotional Swings : Intense mood swings can last from several minutes to several hours. They may try to fill this emptiness with drugs or sex — though this usually does not satisfy their feeling. Explosive Anger : A short temper and anger management problems can also be observed in patients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Some report feeling foggy or spaced out when they dissociate or lose touch with reality.
I think you should leave. I believe she had mental. A lot of people make like this is to just. Our break ups is but be the saviour in the. Just my two cents. Every time he asks if these men act tough and crazy because they want you your love interest is acting. He told me I can am in love with him. Well, he did I did call him incessantly the other his actions do not reflect. Well why are you fighting it off, his face would again, What should I do. He claims to hate himself helping women like you out because we have decided to this year.Learn how borderline personality disorder can affect intimacy, and why people how your symptoms have affected your dating life and romantic relationships. Also, the more severe a person's BPD symptoms are the less satisfaction their. Believe it or not, some males with BPD symptoms will date multiple women (feel guilty later) and refuse to commit due to a fear of abandonment. Other males will “. Here are a few examples of how BPD manifests itself in men: family, as Michael had broken contact with them well before they started dating.