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We were both in grad school, in different departments, and I went to a party hosted by someone in his department whom I happened to have met through university activities. I will say, though, I was pretty proactive about it! I knew I might never run into him again after the party, so a few days later I totally e-mailed him to ask him out. The moral of the story is to go for it.
Not totally on topic, but relationship connected. In college, I dated a guy on and off for about two years. It was awful, really took a toll on me emotionally, physically, grades wise, etc. We had a really, really nasty breakup. I took time off after college and worked for a few years and am now about to finish my second year of law school.
I realized that both this semester and last semester during finals I have been thinking about him. Not in a romantic way, but wishing I had peace with him and scared he is going to come back into my life at some point. He was awful during the relationship, but I did not handle myself properly while it was ending, and do not have much to be proud of.
For the record, I do not want to ever contact him. Any advice? I think I need to forgive myself, but that is easier said than done. I think therapy could definitely help. Hugs to you, sounds like you are carrying a lot of worry and stress with you surrounding this relationship. Could you find out some information about him and what he is up to now without him knowing it i. You might find out that he has started a new relationship, gotten married, moved to a new city, started a new job or business, or done other things to give you some indication that he has moved on.
Even if you never send the letter, it may help to get your feelings out there. Have some friends agree that you can call them if you ever think seriously about it, and they will talk you down. Trust me on this. What happened in the past is past and you can neither change it, nor take it back.
Time heals almost all wounds, and it is very possible that your ex has not spent nearly as much time thinking about you as you have about him. And even if he has, you two are not the only people in the world to have an ugly, messy breakup.
If he does, you have a pretty good defense — this guy is not an ex-boss or law enforcement officer or parole official, someone with some credibility. I would never, ever fail to hire someone, be against my friend dating someone, or think badly of someone because their ex-partner badmouthed them many years after the end of the relationship. I would think badly of the ex. We all have things in our past we are not proud of. Back in high school, I dated a guy who had a longtime girlfriend.
He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend to be with me. It caused one of those high school dramas that seem so crucial at the time. As it turned out, he was a loser and she was well rid of him, but her gain was my loss. The things we do at 16, huh? Therapy would probably help. The most important thing is to stop perseverating on this. I sometimes think about this, too. I have an ex from high school who emotionally and verbally abused me.
But there are certainly unresolved feelings there. Wow, are we the same person? I could have written this word for word. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it hit so close to home. Like you, I had a horrible relationship in college that ended very badly, to the point that I had to have a restraining order against my ex.
When the ex found out I was engaged, he wrote nasty emails to my husband and divulged lots of personal details about me. Three days before my actual wedding, he sent me a text saying that he was going to sabotage my marriage. It was all incredibly scary. The good news? None of that happened. I had the foresight to tell my husband before we married about my past, and I warned him that this ex was crazy and would likely try to contact me or him.
Eight years later after our marriage, this ex still reaches out to my husband but not me through Facebook email and says terrible things about me. We have always just ignored him. I made some poor choices in my early years, namely with this ex, and I now regret them. I have never, ever thought of myself as a sad person, but going to therapy made me realize how much sadness I carried around about that relationship.
I do think it helped. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for my actions as well as forgive him. But you know what? Some people are not mentally stable, and reconnecting with him could actually make things worse. Hopefully your future husband will appreciate your candor and honesty with him. Good luck to you. Holy cow! When I started grad school, I had a dream that he was sitting in the department when I walked in, and told everyone there what a foolish nicompoop I was and that I had no business being there nevermind that I am WAY more educated.
I felt like he was watching me and raining on my parade! Needless to say, I blocked him. Realizing that neither of us was totally innocent, and neither meant to be a super-destructive person although he was. I reached a point where I need to jump some major hurdles to move forward in my life, and I mediated on what I needed to do to clear the hurdles. The answer came very clearly: let go of the restentment and anger toward this guy. I went for a long windy walk, and it literally blew away in the wind.
Good luck! I know this is a hard journey! I hope you can find a skilled and compassionate therapist to help you work through it. Thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means to me to know I am not the only person to go through this.
I really appreciate your comments so much I know this is a personal subject. I will look into getting a therapist for my long term, but you have all really helped me short term. When I was 20, I had a miscarriage. The guy was supportive at first, but over the next few months became more and more upset about it, angry and mean to me. He wrote me a letter a few years later asking for forgiveness. I had no interest in communicating. You can do it! Even if he does show up, you can say no and refuse that future contact.
Convincing the non-rational part of yourself is much harder. I dated a guy all through high school. We broke up while I was in college and it was a very messy break up. I was always worried about the tape but I never brought it up. I should have demanded it back when we broke up but that would have just reminded him of it and given him ideas. I have no idea what he ever did with it and if he still has it. I always worried it would come up some day if I ran for office, etc. How foolish was I at 16 to think that was a good idea.
But he was the love of my life that I was sure I was going to marry. I have the same story. Even worse, my ex wrote me letters after we broke up threatening to show the videotape to my now husband. He never did, and I just keep praying that he destroyed it. But I do have the same worry that the tape will show up later on in life. First, I hope the reference to the Clintons was tongue in cheek? While both are highly successful business people, I would definitely NOT want to emulate their relationship!
This question is difficult. I met my SO when I was in law school and he was in residency. We are both intensely competitive and, looking back, I am shocked either of us made time for the other. I will say that in the beginning, I did not prioritize his needs or truly devote real time to him. Too often I used the studying excuse and blew him off. I honestly was studying, but looking back, it was disrespectful. He stuck with me amazing! He let me know that I could work late, but that I had to make him important, too.
But I was. So, I made him a priority and tried to show him that he was a priority. I did this by keeping him very updated. That was our key. When he had an emergency c-section, I got a text. When I had a shouting partner placing unreasonable demands on me, he got a text.
And I became an expert at the dinner break. Once a week at least — usually times a week — I left work at 7. I would then work until 2am, but it was worth it. He responded by taking some call from home, even though it really meant he got less sleep because of travel time.
I felt better because he cared enough to come home and hold me for a few hours. Also, he was master of the coffee break. He would take breaks from the hospital and write me the longest, most hilarious emails. They made my day — still do. And I cannot tell you how important the support thing is. I took a less stellar job once so my SO could have his dream job. After four years, I was so miserable at work that my SO literally forced me to go get a new job — and then left his dream to support me in a new city.
They still have to happen. Very long winded, but I agree. It is about feeling like a priority. If he is super competitive and takes time to hear you on your concerns and support you, then he is a keeper. If you do not get that attention, then voice it! This post is exactly the reason that I consciously chose not to date and ultimately marry someone in law my field.
I am highly competitive and I knew I would not be able to set that competitive spirit aside, which would make for some awkward times in the relationship. He travels a lot, and I do not. And because I am a very no-nonsense person, I would not continue in that sort of relationship.
This goes for you, too. My busy SO and I have been together just over three years. The first two years we were both working busy jobs — he had crazy hours and was doing his MBA part time and I had a crazy commute. This year I moved about 45 min. Of course I wish there was more time we could spend together, but the adventure is about to get way crazier because he is moving to the Bay Area for a new dream job.
I think the most pressing concern is what my career will look like if I do move out there. I know it is a very competitive market, so worry that fresh out of law school I will not be able to find much since it is so far from the midwestern school I attend. He is adamant that I should not settle for a job just to be close to him, but I do not know at this point what my options will be.
Any thoughts on high-achieving relationships that get split up geographically? How does one relocate and try to find a good position? What is the balance between following your own dreams and wanting to be with the person you love? We fell immediately in love, dated long distance for about eight months, and then he moved to NYC until I finished law school.
Anyway, long story short — he did not like telecommuting and he did not like living in NJ while I was clerking. Consequently, I applied for an appellate clerkship in Wisconsin, which was offered to me and we ultimately moved here. After the clerkship, however, I was utterly unable to find a job in the market and was unemployed for about eight months, and it was miserable.
Even after I found my current position, I was still resentful because of the unemployment and what I thought were multiple lost opportunities because of the move I had a biglaw job lined up in NYC before we moved. Without sounding too cheesy, these are the things we do for love. These are the compromises we make. Do I regret the move and how it happened? Would I change anything, looking back on it now? Left a great job too.
But I figured that when I looked back on my life, would I have been happy to have had that great job or would I have been happier with a good relationship. The relationship won. The experiences I had at the job I got in the new location were career builders after all, and I am very very happy with the direction my career has gone! So… you never know. That being said, I also moved away from him after 4 years living under the same roof to pursue my career.
And we did long distance for 2. That was very tough. Thanks for the responses! The lesson is — no matter how much you think someone else might be looking out for you, YOU also have to look out for you. My in-laws brother- and sister-in-law are both family lawyers, went to the same law school and then were competing for the same jobs afterward. I could never do that! DH had a startup and I was a law student when we met, so we both had flexible schedules and both made a lot of time to see each other, right away.
So our fields complement each other — we have one client in common, where he directs the investments and I do the estate planning documents, trust administration, etc. I hope that in the future we can expand that to do more of our work together. Like housework. Or get a more stimulating job. Hubby and I also make it a point to do date night every week. I would just say be glad that you have the free time, and try to do fun things in your free time so that you will feel fulfilled and happy.
Lawyer — married to another lawyer here. My husband and I are not competitive with each other. What works for us:. At the end of my billable year when I am hustling and billing time, non-stop, he grocery shops and cleans the house, and vice versa! We are not around each other that much during the week but sending a few lines here and there def.
I have been married for 15 years to an MD who works 12 hr shifts, but they can be noon to midnight, 6am to 6pm, 6pm to 6 am, 11pmam, etc. And often he works two of those shifts on the weekends. I am very ambitious and travel a lot for my career, and also work an hour from my home. We have ALOT of help to keep the day-to-day household stuff going.
That has been one major concession to avoid spending our together time doing the mundane things. Housekeeper who does the laundry, nanny, gardener, pool guy, handyman. But it is tough. We are both extremely independent people, which helps. We can carry on alone as needed.
Do you EVER get to see them?? We separately parent often—I do most of the weekends, and he does some week days. There are sacrifices made in all lives. I said we had ALOT of help! Your follow-up post here makes things seem a lot more reasonable. Kudos to you for making it work for your family!!! At various times as a kid, I was watched over by a nanny, an assortment of mostly wonderful babysitters, preschool teachers, friendly neighbors, church ladies, relatives, and, of course, my mother and father.
I really benefited from having to use a hackneyed term a village to raise me — and I think my parents currently going strong on 42 years of marriage did as well. Thank you for posting your comment, cbackson. I remember finishing a grant just before the midnight deadline when he was 5. He got his little fleece rug, put it on the floor next to my chair, and fell asleep there.
You better believe he got some good mama time over the next few! That image is so cute! My little boy insisted on staying in my study when I was on an evening telcon though he was very sleepy, and I ended the call to find him curled up on the chair. Communications is clearly key and wish I had enough foresight to apply this advice to myself. But when the kids came along, husband turned into a real 50s throwback.
Not so much because he expects me to be a dutiful wife, but because he expects a dutiful mother for his children. A mother certainly cannot travel for work, because how would the children get fed or get up in the mornings? But this means that my perfectionist nature makes my life a living hell — trying to meet the demands of work and home.
It sucks. That sucks for you, but is good for them. I absolutely agree with your decision not to move this time. One other thing—you mention the sucky wages professors get. Set up separate finances. Simplest would be each of you paying for things in your own city. That sticks you with taking care of the kids, but might prepare you for future reality anyway. Good luck to you! And a note to those criticizing prof dad—getting tenure is like making partner. Most academic positions do not lead to tenure.
Oh, man. I think trying to make some of your own plans is a good idea. I think one of the greatest lessons in life is learning when to say when. There are no right or wrong ways to make this work, only the way people can make it work for their family. Kudos to all of us out there who get up every day and try to make it work. Just posted a response that got eaten. Also, it sounds like you realize this, but in case it helps to hear it from a third party — his expectations of you are completely unreasonable.
It sounds like he cannot support your family on what he earns, so it is inappropriate for the family to put his career first. That is horrible. I am sorry for this undue pressure on you. He frequently makes dinner, always does the dishes, always runs errands. It was to encourage you to have a frank discussion with your husband and make changes. If it works for some, great. But it should no longer be forced on anyone! Could he be a difficult guy at work, too? This sounds absolutely awful.
Your spouse sounds like he needs to get his head checked, candidly. I have no idea how one person can work as well as always cook meals from scratch, take the kids everywhere, throw huge parties, etc. You sound like a single mom. I would have a very frank discussion with your husband about your feelings and his unrealistic expectations of you and your role as a mother. You can still be a wonderful mother if you get take out once in a while or throw in a frozen pizza.
It sounds like things might reach a crisis point soon, where you are at the point understandably that you may feel the need to put down an ultimatum. I hear you on the perfectionist thing. In the end, I did make the cake, but that was it. Now he gets it. Love it. I guess all we can do is choose a partner who shares our values and tune out the rest.
Alternatively, he could do all of the above — and see how he liked it? Instead of premarital counseling, I think people should get pre-children counseling. I made twice as much money as he did, and he had no problem with that.
But he was raised in an extremely traditional home I doubt his father knows how to make a sandwich , and the imprint of that surfaced after our son was born. My husband has never done anything like, for instance, buying clothing for the kids or planning a birthday party. We have a 2 year old. We have had very busy schedules.
The 18 months when I was finishing surgical residency and he was working full time as a cardiologist and we had a child was tough on our relationship. Four months into that job, my husband got laid off from his practice a mix of bad financial decisions on the part of his multi-specialty group and complex hospital politics. So we looked outside our local area, and found what feels like a fabulous opportunity in a ski town my husband is a HUGE skiier, and I really like it.
The job was fabulous for me, but only good for him. That balanced with the fact that he was more interested in the area than I was, but I certainly am happy with it. The compromises seem to work well. In our relationship, we talk a lot of shop.
He calls me about surgical stuff, I call him about cardiology stuff. We also talk about interesting cases. We rely on our nanny to do our laundry, light housekeeping, linen changes, etc. She also keeps a running list of things we need, which I order online. I do all the grocery shopping online. We text a ton.
We understand that emergencies come up for both of us and we have to be flexible. When the economy tanked, the job market became unbelievably competitive. It caused a lot of people to shift their priorities and the mindset became to find a job, keep a job or become an entrepreneur. Though love has taken a backseat to employment and financial security, the need to find love is still there and there millions of professional singles out there who are looking for their perfect match.
Timing is everything, especially in dating and It takes a lot of patience and understanding to date a busy person. If you are a busy professional, dating a busy professional or at least considering it, here are my top tips on how to make the most of your time together and make it work for you. Start Off Casual Take your time to feel the person out. Go on a number of coffee or lunch dates and get to know the person.
Focus on the conversation and see if you can understand their lifestyle. Find ways in which you can relate to each other and make a connection. This will also give you an idea as to how busy your date really is and how open he or she really is to a relationship should the feelings develop. Sometimes people will say they are busy, but really they are using it as an excuse to cover the fact that they are either afraid of commitment , really looking for booty call rather than a relationship or simply not that into you.
Measure the level of exchange. After a few dates and conversations, you should have a better understanding as to if there is a genuine interest to connect on a romantic level versus a busy schedule being a symptom of reluctance. At that point, make a decision and see if this is something you want to explore. Be Realistic Should you decide to explore the relationship you want make sure you have a realistic expectation when you get started.
If both parties are on the same page about moving forward you need to make sure all expectations are laid out on the table and discussed. Make sure you communicate your needs and you listen to theirs. Also, make sure you honest about your comfort level. If the person is only available to see you on the weekends or is out of town on business for 2 weeks out of the month, are you going to be okay with that? Certain aspects of his or her career are not going to change anytime soon and you have to make sure you are prepared for that.
There are 24 hours in a day and sometimes, you have work to find ways to be more efficient with the time you do have available. Also make it a point to create exciting and memorable moments The more intimate , the better because this is time you can use to nurture the relationship that is forming.
This is the first step in dating a busy girl, and do not hold this against her. If you are willing to take up this whole challenge of being with a girl who has her priorities straight, and her schedule full, then accept it. That is the only way that you will be able to stop yourself from sighing every time she says she is busy. This might how help you. If your girl keeps her schedule on a smart phone, then try taking screen shots. If she has a personal assistant, then you should know how to pucker up to the assistant to get a relationship of at how her schedule for the distance.
Rest and relaxation, or rest and recreation. This is what your busy girl needs and this is what you should plan for during those days when she is free the whole day, and can work remotely with whichever destination you both are. A relaxing day can always start with a great breakfast or brunch, then try to put in a spa day or just some sunbathing. It does not text to involve a guy of activities. With fact, the lesser activities, the better. Just take the day to chill and relax with her.
Of course, you should only do this after the meeting, as barging in when her associates are speaking will only show you in a negative light. This does not require her to be chained to her desk all boyfriend or night.
In fact, she can do this in your place or in her house. Use this excuse to get together and dating on your individual projects. It will be like a group study back in the university, but only this guy, you are thankful that you have her by your side. You can also make it extra special by setting up a comfy couch, lamp and table relationship to make her stay extra comfortable. Busy individuals hate it when something in their schedule is interrupted, and they have to do man that will affect the rest of the day.
This is why they plan their schedules in the long place, to avoid these mishaps. And this is where you also get in. Show her what spontaneity is. Well, here is your chance to be creative. Tell her that you know a massage place just around the corner, and that you can drive her there right now and be back at least 15 minutes before the next meeting.
When you are dating a busy person, it can be tempting to jump to negative conclusions to explain their behaviour. Learn why these things are so important to your date, and be supportive and encouraging. Maybe you can spend more time with their family, or maybe you can pick your date up after work.
There is always a way around the problem — you just have to look for it. Technology has made huge advances in recent years, and there are lots of apps that you can use to stay in contact with your partner. You can use a video chatting app like Skype to chat to each other during the day, and apps like Whatsapp and Snapchat mean you can text and send pictures to each other whenever you want. Scheduling is very important if you are dating a busy person.
Sometimes your date may only be free for an hour or two in the morning, but you can make that work; go for a walk in the park or a coffee together! Make sure you and your date are getting the most out of your time together. If you are dating someone who is always busy, it is important to ask yourself what your expectations are.
Ask yourself these questions to see if you can be happy with a busy person; are you comfortable dating someone who is often busy? Are you willing to make expectations for them? Are you proud of their drive and motivation, or do you wish they focused more on you? Calmly and openly discuss your feelings with your partner. Your partner may have been unaware that you are bothered by their schedule, and they may be willing to make a compromise that works for both of you.
Alternatively, they may tell you in no uncertain terms that they are unwilling to compromise.