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Perhaps your partner paid all of the bills, and you are left to figure out where the utilities are, and how to get hooked up for the Internet. Perhaps your partner planned your vacations, arranged your social life, and just generally managed your life, and you are left to figure out what you like and what you want to do with your time.
This is an important part and process of getting a divorce, but it can often be overwhelming for men in their forties, particularly if they were a part of a marriage involving traditional gender roles. Cleaning, cooking, and maintaining a home can prove extremely difficult, and can take months to get accustomed to, so giving yourself time to navigate all of these changes is important in processing your new life, and moving on from your old life.
Understanding your priorities is another important part of moving on after a divorce, and learning how to exist in the world as a freshly divorced, year-old man. In this respect, some men might feel some amount of freedom; men who were previously encouraged to constantly complete house projects or otherwise fill their time might find that being able to create their own priorities is a freeing, wonderful experience.
Sorting priorities can involve making some significant life changes. Men might have chosen their career paths, homes, and even religious preferences based on what their wives wanted, or what their immediate peers were doing, rather than closely evaluating what they wanted or needed. In some cases, divorce can afford middle-aged men the opportunity to explore themselves a little more deeply and effectively, in order to create a life they feel excited about and fulfilled by.
For many men, getting back out into the dating world is the cause of some amount of fear and apprehension, and can seem like an impossible task. Dating after a divorce shouldn't be rushed ; both partners in a marriage, regardless of who initiated the divorce, need time to process, heal, and move on from their marriage. Although men over 40 should not cave into pressure to begin dating again before they are ready, it can be cause for concern- healthily getting back into dating can take a long time, and should not be defaulted as a short term process.
That being said, getting back out there is largely a matter of being in tune with yourself, your wants, and your needs. If you are still mourning your marriage, pining after your wife, or wishing for the life you had, you are not ready for divorced dating, and bringing another person into your tumult will likely only hurt you both.
Getting back out there does not have a definitive time stamp on it, and does not have to be an immediate, springboard-like part of your divorce. Instead, it can be seen as a distant goal, ready whenever you are. Moving on is arguably the most difficult part of getting divorced after 40, be you male or female.
Most men in their forties have been married for at least a decade, which means that at least one quarter of your life has been spent with your partner. Moving on cannot happen at a moment's notice, and rarely comes easily.
Instead, moving on is a regular, consistent series of behaviors that you actively hope for and work toward, in order to create a healthy, whole version of yourself, apart from your marriage and subsequent "failure" of your relationship. Moving on from a decades-long marriage can be even more difficult, as most of your adult life was spent with someone, and you must then figure out how to navigate the world as an adult, without the partnership you likely came to rely on.
Some people feel as if they lose their identity after divorce. In the case of a divorce after a 5-year marriage, or a year marriage, the solution looks similar: learn yourself. Learn your likes and dislikes, learn where you went sour in your relationship, where you stumbled in your marriage, and learn what you need to do in order to live the life you hope for.
You can never truly move on from your marriage until you are able to separate yourself from who you were as a partner, and who you are as a person. Moving on is rarely a linear journey, and if you thought that you had found yourself a nice life, it may seem daunting to try to find a new one, perhaps rightfully so.
There usually isn't any one step or one space you reach, where you suddenly no longer feel the pain of your divorce, or the struggle created by it. Instead, moving on usually feels like taking a few steps forward, and a few steps back, until you feel as though you are ready to pursue another relationship, and live your life without the marriage you once held dear. Life after divorce is rarely a party, even for men over Although there are plenty of stereotypes surrounding divorced men and their behavior, very few men over the age of 40 actually lead playboy lives, marked by an unending stream of beautiful young women, and tons of cash.
Instead, most divorced men over 40 are busy straddling the responsibilities of children, child support, alimony, and living their own distinct, separate lives, and learning how to successfully balance all of these cogs in order to create a functional, joyful life. Many men who get divorced at 40 or older can benefit from some amount of therapy or counseling, as navigating the intense emotions following a divorce can be quite trying, and might prove far more than most people can handle.
If you find yourself in the midst of a divorce, consider opting for visiting with a therapist, whether that means sitting in a psychiatrist's office to be treated for depression, or consulting an online therapist, such as those on ReGain.
Us , to work through the tangle of emotions inevitably following separating from and divorcing your spouse. Divorces are messy and painful, no matter who is involved, and getting through a divorce at any age is trying. Divorcing in middle age, though, does present with its own unique set of challenges; most people divorcing at this age have children and, consequently, parental responsibilities, such as child custody and child support, that must be taken into account when deciding how to move forward, and how to navigate the life changes that have been handed to you.
With consistency, dedication, and the will to heal and move forward, though, men over 40 can enjoy a life filled with health, vitality, and enjoyment, even after going through the pain of a divorce. The answer to this question is extremely variable. Some men find getting over a divorce, particularly of a toxicromantic partner, to be a fairly quick and painless process. Some men suffer for quite some time before they are able to get over a divorce.
The bottom line is that divorce recovery happens at a different rate for everyone, and is dependent on the nature of the marriage, the presence of financial issues, the existence of emotional support networks in the divorcees life, and the willingness of the divorcee to go about coping with divorce in a healthy way.
Regardless of which category the divorced man finds himself in, it is important that he gives himself the necessary time to grieve. The post divorce landscape is variable among all divorcees, male or female. Oftentimes, the first detail that needs to be sorted out when coping with divorce is figuring out how to spend time by yourself or with people other than your former spouse.
Married men don't often have the same level of social interaction as bachelors do, so this step may take some time. Many men don't know how to live alone, and will quickly revert to promiscuity and online dating in an effort to find potential new relationships. This should probably be avoided, and instead, divorced men should focus on finding grounding and comfort elsewhere, be it in friends, family members, or support groups. Another prevalent issue among recent divorcees, particularly ones who have been married for a long time, is their finances will become very disrupted.
The post-divorce financial world is very complicated, as it likely involves dealing with a reduction in assets, along with a new set of expenses related to living alone, and new bills such as child support and alimony payments. You can still learn to enjoy the simple things in life while giving up more extravagant material things that you once indulged in. Believe it or not, some of the happiest moments of your life could come after a divorce. Maybe you can travel and go on a journey of self-discovery.
Or maybe you can just enjoy the process of getting to know yourself again. The most common age to get divorced at least for the first time is around 30 years of age. That being said- divorce doesn't have age restrictions, and can and will happen to many couples of every age bracket! While divorce is occasionally regretted by both men and women, men tend to suffer from it slightly more severely than women do.
But remember that your time after a divorce does not need o be depressing and difficult. A former television journalist and newspaper features reporter, Pilossoph is also the author of four novels and the writer of her weekly relationship column, Love Essentially. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism and lives in Chicago with her two teenagers. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.
Marriage and Second Marriage Advice. Another terrifc article that I can totally relate to. Thank you Jackie for the clarity you bring to the topic. While the article is encouraging and I can totally relate to the author, she starts it off on the wrong foot immediately.
If you think that, you will always in your subconscious mind be on guard and have one foot out the door. The good guys that are out there that are single and want to be their best for you will always sense that. Divorce hurts, getting cheated on hurts, being abused hurts, no so does being taken for granted. Those guys are short lived. Instead, look for a guy that has his stuff together job,home,healthy,responsible but that is consistent. However, he might just be that ordinary guy that you see in the restaurant eating by himself night after night, week after week.
Great article! Great blog! They read a study on the radio the other day that asked men and women at what age are women most physically attractive and just attractive. The answers came out to about 32 for physical, but 38 for attractive in general. I think that just shows how confidence and wisdom are. Thank you for this article. We are just…not good together. This article is empowering and encouraging in a time when I really need that, and I thank you for it. Ajc, this sounds like my life.
The much younger guy, feeling unattractive and out of shape but even worst because I had 3 kids with youngster…. He brought out the worst in me and we had nothing in common. I worry so much about the financial situation. I wish you the best of luck. I have some questions for you after all this time. I can do this with so much more enthusiasm AND grace!
Your writing is very real and from the heart. In particular the 9 points you make about your 7 year journey to get to where you are now. I always think its useful to know where you are going and what direction. The statement.. Clearly this will be different from person to person and what they believe in.
Whatever that compass is will dictate how you approach things. So, for me, dating at 42 is an adventure. One of my mentors always asks the question — is this the beginning or the end. Today truly is the first day of the rest of your life. You were put here to enjoy life. Have fun :. I am a single mom of a 16 year old and a 2 year old. My 16 year old is from my first husband and we have a great relationship.
My 2 year olds father and I broke up a week before our son turned a year old. About 6 weeks after we split I found out he was having an affair with my younger sister. They are still together and it had pretty much shattered my self confidence as far as dating. I had my youngest a week before I turned 40 and I had gained 60 lbs mostly due to being high risk and not being able to work out.
Now I am 42 and single and have no time to work out and I am completely intimidated about dating. On the up side I have a great job and I totally financially secure! Own my own home and take great care of my kids. Any advise? I have 3 children at home living with us. I know they will be devastated when it ends inevitably it is going too. I I guess the good thing about it is I am financially stable, still in on shape. I would be worries about all the weirdo in dating game too. I jut think this book is something you might enjoy.
I just finished it and cannot say enough. I am a 52 year old man who has been single for 18 years , never heard about your book! I try to date but with little success I have every thing I want except a women to love and spoil! Enjoyed your article. I constantly think reflect on who I am as a 44 year old woman.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it helped me to realize that many share my experience And self discovery is fantastic! One day I plan to date again but for now thanks for sharing and hearing the voice of so many divorced single parents. I am a single mom of three and just went through a divorce. Would you please send me your book pro bono? Wonderful article. I havent been single I over 20 years.
I have 3kids, all 16 and over, and I feel like I was living the cliche of life begins at 40, it actually feels like that for me. I found it hard for a year, being single, huge adjustment. But I rather see this as a gift from God, my children are older and in work or college, no man to answer to, good health and fitness, a new start. Wanting it, and not getting it, just leads to misery, so why bother?
If you go in with the attitude that there are no guarantees, and just try to meet nice people who you enjoy, then if love is meant for you it will happen. The key is to focus on your own life and what makes you happy—professionally, personally, and with people you enjoy and love, and let love just come to you.
Well with most women nowadays that are real feminists and men haters altogether, which the great majority of them are gay to begin with. And that makes it rather very difficult for many of us straight men trying to find love nowadays, especially when many of these type of women will Curse at many of us men for trying to start a conversation with a woman that we would very much like to meet.
And i mean we really do get Cursed at for No Reason at all too since i had it happened to me already, and a few other friends that i know as well. Very risky for us men today. Most women feel that you can tell when a man is liying ,if his lips are moving. Talk about lonely. I am very! Loneliness is not a gender thing.
Ask the next single , older man you see sometime. Your email address will not be published.
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